After the Normal people author Sally Rooney turned down an Israeli translation of her book this week, Maureen Lipman imagines a Jewish-ish parody of her bestseller for these highly controversial times, complete with some Yiddish...
Connor: ‘Hey’ …(Nu?)
Marianne: 'Hey’… (Nu? )
(Pause)
M:Are you coming in? -… ‘(What? You like the doorstep so much?’)
C:‘I was just passing by…. (Why be a stranger ?)
C: So …..(pause)
M: So….(pause
C: Will we have sex?... (I suppose a Shtupp is out of the question?’)
(long pause)
M: Don’t mind… (azoy…)
(Longer pause. Scuffling. panting.
Mmmmmm omg….. ……………………………
(Oy veh)
M: You look well Connor. -Been away?
C: Oh. Yes.. I have that…
M: Anywhere nice?
C: Er great…TEL AVIV. Really buzzy. Great food.
(Long pause)
M: Oh Connor, no Connor.
C: What?
M: But…oh…why would you do that?
C: What? It’s a top resort Marianne… full of history and falafel..heck of a good gay scene….you’d love it there..
M: No … I would so not, so I wouldn’t!? Did you not give a thought to the poor Palestinians Connor?
C:EH?… they’re not as poor as the ones outside Israel, Marianne.
(Pause...two Pauses)
M: THEY ARE OCCUPIED, CONNOR!
C: That they are Marianne. And employed too. And er..emancipated like. They love it there so they do.. some of them are even in the Knesset.
M: Kness-? Is that like the Army Connor?
(Several pauses.)
C: No Marianne.
M: What then? The Social Services is it?
C: Marianne, maybe you should read up ...er... or even go there…
M: Over Sister Bernadina’s dead body...(crosses herself )
C: I’m saying... have you ever thought of leaving Uni? …Y’know… with you being forty one now?
M: I wouldn’t think of it Connor. I mean the campus... the politics…the demos…. it’s my life… so it is...
(Pause)
C: OK …well, I’d best be going then Marianne..
(Pause)
M: I can’t pretend I ‘m not disappointed Connor.
C: I’m sorry to hear that Marianne. I did my best to please you, like.. but.. maybe the jet lag.
Was it no good, the sex then.. a bit Vanilla, was it?
M:Connor..I like Vanilla..
C: But only if it’s Ben and Jerry’s eh,? Shalom Marianne, and as they used to say in the shtetl, ‘May a rich pig open a shop in your spleen, and prosper.’
