What if Sally Rooney's Normal People was more Jewish?

After the Normal people author Sally Rooney turned down an Israeli translation of her book this week, Maureen Lipman imagines a Jewish-ish parody of her bestseller for these highly controversial times, complete with some Yiddish... 

Connor: ‘Hey’ …(Nu?)

Marianne: 'Hey’… (Nu? )

(Pause)

M:Are you coming in? -… ‘(What? You like the doorstep so much?’)

C:‘I was just passing by…. (Why be a stranger ?)

C: So …..(pause) 

M: So….(pause

C: Will we have sex?...  (I suppose a Shtupp is out of the question?’)

(long pause)

M: Don’t mind… (azoy…)

(Longer pause. Scuffling. panting.
Mmmmmm omg….. ……………………………

(Oy veh)

M: You look well Connor. -Been away?

C: Oh. Yes.. I have that…

M: Anywhere nice?

C: Er great…TEL AVIV. Really buzzy. Great food.

(Long pause)

M: Oh Connor, no Connor. 

C: What?

M: But…oh…why would you do that?

C: What? It’s a top resort Marianne… full of history and falafel..heck of a good gay scene….you’d love it there..

M: No … I would so not, so I wouldn’t!? Did you not give a thought to the poor Palestinians Connor?

C:EH?… they’re not as poor as the ones outside Israel, Marianne.

(Pause...two Pauses)

M: THEY ARE OCCUPIED, CONNOR!

C: That they are Marianne. And employed too. And er..emancipated like. They love it there so they do.. some of them are even in the Knesset. 

M: Kness-? Is that like the Army Connor?

(Several pauses.) 

C: No Marianne.

M: What then? The Social Services is it? 

C: Marianne, maybe you should read up ...er... or even go there…

M: Over Sister Bernadina’s dead body...(crosses herself )

C: I’m saying... have you ever thought of leaving Uni? …Y’know… with you being forty one now?

M: I wouldn’t think of it Connor. I mean the campus... the politics…the demos…. it’s my life… so it is...

(Pause)

C: OK …well, I’d best be going then Marianne..

(Pause)

M: I can’t pretend I ‘m not disappointed Connor.

C: I’m sorry to hear that Marianne. I did my best to please you, like..   but.. maybe the jet lag.

 Was it no good, the sex then.. a bit Vanilla, was it? 

M:Connor..I like Vanilla.. 

C: But only if it’s Ben and Jerry’s eh,? Shalom Marianne, and as they used to say in the shtetl, ‘May a rich pig open a shop in your spleen, and prosper.’