'I'm a Reform rabbi, my husband is Orthodox'

Rabbi Young-Somers, who is now the community educator for the Reform movement, grew up in a family that was active in their local Reform synagogue.

Even so, her parents were “horrified” when she told them at the age of 20 she was planning to become a rabbi. “My grandfather said, ‘I thought you’d  do much better than that’!”

Her involvement in interfaith dialogue, in particular, led her to explore Judaism more deeply and she adopted a more observant lifestyle. “I started to keep Shabbat in what is considered to be the Orthodox way,” she explained.

Although some people mistakenly assume she is observant simply to fit in with her husband’s lifestyle, she said she had chosen it because it was “my spiritual path”.

Mr Somers did not grow up Orthodox. His family were only occasional attenders of their Reform synagogue, although he did go to JFS. It was taking a degree in Hebrew at London University’s School of Oriental and African Studies that changed his life.

“Because I learned Hebrew, it opened up a whole world of possibilities that had never been available to me,” he said.

During a year in Jerusalem studying at the Hebrew University, he began to acquire an interest in halachah and went on to become more religiously observant. Although he would be classified now as a ba’al teshuvah (newly observant), he doesn’t like the term.

The couple started going out in 2003 and married two years later. “After six months, Gary said ‘this isn’t going to work, you are far too liberal’. I managed to convince him otherwise.”

They were married under the auspices of the S & P Sephardi Community and, unable to find a synagogue that satisfied them both, they had their chupah at the celebration venue.

There were three areas of practice where it was crucial to reach agreement, Rabbi Young-Somers said - Shabbat, kashrut and niddah (relating to the laws of family purity).

If a couple cannot agree on how to  observe those, “it’s going to be really difficult”.

But each prefers their own synagogue, although they sometimes go as a family to one.

Mr Somers said he would accompany his wife to a Reform synagogue on an important occasion, such as a yahrzeit. “It isn’t the easiest thing for me,” he said. “I have to remember it’s not about me.”

Rabbi Young-Somers added: “When I go to Gary’s shul on Simchat Torah and they are still having an argument whether women can dance with the Sefer Torah, it is frustrating.

“Gary can’t stand the decorum in a Reform service - it drives him crazy. He likes to go around and chat to people.”

They maintain differences in other aspects. “I am happy to eat vegetarian out, and Gary only eats hechshered [supervised] food out,”  she said.

At one point, he applied to take an Orthodox rabbinic ordination course, but the perception of his wife’s position as a Reform rabbi proved problematic. “Orthodoxy can’t accept the two of us in any public sphere,” he said.

But as he has pursued his study of halachah, both agree he has become less rigid in his interpretation. “The halachah is a lot more encompassing than the Orthodox world would have us believe,” he said.

“Gary has become more mekal [lenient],” Rabbi Young-Somers added. “I’m stricter on Pesach than he is.”

One member of the audience suggested that while the couple may be unusual, the issue of different religious standards between partners was not. “If you live in the open world, you meet someone and you have different levels of practice,” he observed. “It is a case for every Jewish couple to negotiate.”

As for their children, Rabbi Young-Somers said they wanted them to be  comfortable with both parents’ ways and have  the “Jewish literacy to engage with Jewish texts” so that they could make an informed choice when they were older.

When they came as a family to Limmud, she said, they found it “the only Jewish space that looks like us”.