QI got divorced recently and share custody of my two children with my ex-husband. Although we remain on good terms, I struggle with his parenting. When my children stay at his house, he never takes them to Synagogue (I am a regular attendee, and this is very important to me and my family), they have unlimited screen time and constant fast food. I know that parental consistency is key for children’s emotional well-being. How do I make him see sense and become a more responsible parent?
A Getting divorced can be really messy and painful. The fact that you are still on good terms with your ex-husband, means that you have probably navigated the early stages well. It also sounds like you have your children’s emotional wellbeing at the forefront of your concerns. This is really important because if parental divorce is not managed well, children are more likely to develop long-term mental health difficulties.
There has been lots of research about the impact of parental divorce on children. In most cases, children struggle during the initial year or two following parental separation and then settle down into their new family set up. There are many factors that contribute to children’s wellbeing both at the time of splitting up and further down the line. For example, it is really helpful if parents can take ownership of their relationship breakdown and clearly communicate that parental separation is not their children’s fault.
However, there is one significant factor that is highlighted throughout the data as the most important contributor to children’s wellbeing during parental separation. That is: the level of parental conflict. Even if both parents live locally, are equally involved in childcare and fulfill all the important criteria of co-parenting, if parental conflict is high, evidence shows that children’s emotional wellbeing is severely affected.
Children are, by definition, a combination of both their parents. They naturally yearn for attention and approval from both of them. If children sense or see their parents fighting, they feel torn between siding with one parent or the other. This deep feeling of split loyalty is exceptionally difficult for children to manage. In my work as a family therapist I have repeatedly seen children struggling considerably when their parents have deep seated disputes, because they cannot reconcile pleasing both of them at the same time – something every child craves.
Now, to answer your question. It would be best to communicate to your ex directly (not through your children) and discuss together the type of parenting that your children need. But I am guessing that you have already tried that and have not been successful. You mention a couple of times that these are “my” children. This is not correct. Even though you are no longer married to your husband, you should still refer to them as “our” children. Your children are 50 percent yours and 50 percent their father’s. Keep this in mind and remember that when the children are at their father’s home, they are his responsibility. It must be disheartening to hear about his inadequate parenting, but these are his choices and you cannot control them. The only exception would be if your children were unsafe or being harmed by your ex-husband’s behaviour in which case you have to intervene immediately. But if his parenting is just sloppy and under par, as difficult as it may be, it is best to accept that this how your children’s father behaves. The good news is that people’s parenting often improves with time. With some reflection and without being told what to do by an ex-wife, your ex-husband will hopefully develop his parenting skills and learn how to treat your children in a more responsible way.
The more you complain about his parenting or undermine his approach, the more torn your children will feel, which will cause them deep discomfort. Even mild criticism of your ex-partner contributes to split loyalties. And if you feel bitter and resentful when your children return home from staying at their father, you are not going to be fully present for them and give them the attention that they need. Remember, co-parenting following divorce is always about putting your children first. It may not be easy, but it will become simpler with practice, to leave your children’s fathering up to their dad and to get on with being their mum. During these difficult family changes, your children need to feel as much love, compassion and sensitivity as you can provide. They need the space to develop their own opinion of and relationship with their father, without having to justify this to you. The opportunity for them to form closeness with each parent without feeling compromised by the other is invaluable for their emotional wellbeing and a child’s basic need. As for worrying about the repercussions of their father’s thoughtlessness? Just remember that sometimes just one stable, responsible parent can give a child enough care to feel deeply secure. Try to focus on being that parent.
Wishing you and your family the best of luck.
