Taking Notes: Purim with the family, from baby to grandma

They’ll go to school and say, “What are you?” 500 times and answer it 499 times; they’ll have three days off; they’ll show off their costumes again when they go to synagogue but they’ll have to sit quietly for aaaages until they can bang their feet, shout boo, and shake rattles every time they hear “Haman” and then they’ll eat enough sweets and biscuits to keep them up for hours and their dentist in business for years.

Purim for Mikey is a chance to do everything his parents won’t let him do, so he might as well take full advantage of it.

He’ll dress up but only in something cool like a ghost mask and when he meets his friends he’ll let off bangers, smoke behind a wall, hang around with the groups of teens, grab bottles of vodka from drunk dads dancing in shul, drink l’chaims with the rabbi, roam around the neighbourhood half the night, and get so drunk, his friends will have to postpone any enjoyment and shenanigans they were planning on having themselves to look after him as he sits barfing on a grassy verge near the main road.

Purim for Judi is busy but when isn’t it? What with the kids, the meal and the mishluach manot. Should she make or buy them this year? Is the school doing them? What’s their theme? Should she have a theme? How many extras should she make in case? Should she tell Jonathan to deliver them?

No, the streets are so packed it’ll take hours. Oysh, now Josh is crying and won’t wear his Spider-Man costume because Matty next door is Spider-Man, and the shops are closed now so Judi dashes to the costume box and gets creative but Josh is kicking off about being a Dracula ninja fireman. Least it’s original.

So much chametz already and only a month to you know what. Judi hopes the brisket won’t be dry by the time they get back. Jonathan’s mother looks bored.

Now Talya’s shrieking because baby Jojo’s pulled her tiara off and snapped it and Talya’s refusing to be Esther without it and they’ll be late for the Megillah so Judi takes off her witch’s hat and nose and gives them to Talya and there’s no time to wash Jojo, who keeps pulling off his ladybird hat that’s now covered in biscuit shmush.

Purim for Beryl means observing from the side lines, like every holiday she’s seen 79 times already. It’s lovely to see the grandchildren enjoying themselves but why are they on their phones all the time? They can’t eat a sandwich without taking a photograph of it. And what on earth is Josh dressed as? Is he Dracula or is he a fireman and why is he all in black? What kind of costume is that?

Not like they didn’t have time to buy proper ones. And why is Talya a witch and not Queen Esther? Little girls should be queens, not witches. Judith hasn’t bothered with a costume this year, Beryl notices. Bit poor. Her brisket’s on too high but it’s not Beryl’s kitchen so she won’t get involved. Noisy at the shul. She’ll stay here thank you.

The state of that baby with hamantashen all over his face. How can they leave without washing him? She hopes Jonathan won’t drink too much but of course he will and then he’ll end up snoring on the sofa and won’t take her home til late. Beryl used to like Purim. But now? It’s not the same any more.