So you want to be a rabbi? Be warm, kind — and tough

It is impossible to predict how relationships will develop, so extreme caution is needed, but that should not stop alarm bells ringing. Like most ministers, I arrange a pre-marriage group sessions. I start off by putting the couples on high alert by pointing to every third person in the room and saying they may end up divorced, as is the national average.

On the two occasions when I was adamant the proposed marriage was doomed, I felt it was only right to tell them. One couple agreed — they each knew it deep down, but needed someone to pull the plug — and decided not to go ahead. The other proceeded and were divorced shortly afterwards.

Sometimes it is the duty of clergy to say what family and friends resist doing.

Another dilemma is being asked to pray for something we feel is inappropriate: from passing one’s driving test, to England winning the World Cup, to a relative being cured of advanced cancer.

Some rabbis will have faith in miracles to change reality, but many of us prefer to pray for personal qualities in dealing with it: asking God for calmness to concentrate on one’s driving, not for empty roads that day; for footballers to give of their best, not for the opponents to be useless; for the patient to have the strength to persevere and for us to have the courage to deal with whatever happens.

There is reputational risk here — prayer is supposed to be our speciality and it is seen as a professional black mark if we fail at it, while the person asking can feel God has let them down. We constantly have to remind them that prayer is an expression of desire, not a request with success guaranteed.

It is also important to encourage people to pray in a way that is helpful to them, with the emphasis on communicating, rather than on results. As George Meredith put it: “The person who rises from their prayer a better person, their prayer has already been answered.”

An even greater challenge is temptation. So much of our time is spent with individuals alone, and often in intimate conversations about their life and feelings.

It means there is always the danger that someone might make sexual advances to us, be it out of lust or because they feel we understand them better than anyone else, mistaking care for desire.

There is also the danger that we may be the ones who initiate matters — either we are equally aroused or feel that the person is so appreciative of our attention that a mutual chemistry is developing beyond professional respect.

The solution is not piety, but thinking through the consequences, be it the hurt that can result to the other person, to ourselves and to respective families. Fear of what could go wrong is probably more powerful than “Thou shalt not”, despite the latter’s divine signature.

One piece of inside information I can share is that many rabbis (though certainly not all) prefer officiating at funerals rather than weddings. This is not out of dislike of people enjoying themselves — there are few experiences more heart-warming than seeing a couple in love — but from a rabbi’s perspective, we can be more useful at funerals.

A wedding will almost always be a stunning success, with bride and groom beaming, however badly the rabbi mangles the service.

At a funeral, however, there is a much more proactive role to play, addressing the different emotions of mourners — grief, anger, guilt, bewilderment — and also trying to heal any family rifts. The emotional stakes are much higher at a funeral than a wedding, and the scope for the rabbi to either help or blunder is much greater.

Amid all these swirling currents, an intriguing question is why some talented clergy get sacked and others, who can be highly controversial or give dire sermons, remain in post.

It comes down to relationships. Congregants place warmth and kindness above oratory or efficiency. They will tolerate our lapses, eccentricities or daft views, but not our coldness, indifference or not knowing their names.

You were wrong, Dad — being a rabbi is a fantastic job.

Dr Jonathan Romain is rabbi of Maidenhead Synagogue and author of The Naked Rabbi (John Hunt Publishing)