I converted but now I feel totally rejected

Q I converted to Reform Judaism 14 years ago and got married soon after. During our 10-year marriage I did everything I could to be a part of my then husband’s family and to practise Jewish customs, often to the exclusion of events with my own Christian family. I had constant reminders that “I hadn’t been born Jewish” and was therefore “not good enough”. When we divorced (he has since remarried a born Jew), I hoped his family would help reinforce our son’s Jewishness, but sadly they have done next to nothing. They occasionally have a Shabbat supper, and they do Pesach, but they have never taken him to shul (they’re not observant). I took him myself a few times, but I felt so unsupported that I stopped. My disappointment at being cast out of our Jewish family has now passed (but I do feel that the support for divorced converts is non-existent). I am sad for our son, who should soon start preparing for his barmitzvah.

A I feel so much sympathy for you. You embraced Judaism and now you and your son have been cast adrift by your ex’s family. Your son’s Jewish identity is clearly very important to you. Understandably, you feel you need support to build it.

There are too many complex issues here to do justice to in this short column: family dynamics, bitterness and power games after divorce; the wisdom of conversion just for marriage; even what being Jewish really means. It is easy for those born Jewish like your ex in-laws to take their identity for granted, regardless of belief or observance. Yet it’s not so simple for you. There is nothing in your email to suggest you still want to practise Judaism. Won’t this make it hard to help your son embrace his religion especially if his father’s family is apathetic? Could you join a synagogue and ask for support? How about approaching the rabbi who converted you?

Where is his father in all of this? Could you tell him how you feel and ask if he would help to prepare your son for his barmitzvah. Does he expect him to have one? This is something you need to discuss before it’s too late.

You are right: there is no specific support for converts in your situation, probably because it’s assumed that once someone becomes Jewish they should be treated like all other Jews. Sadly, that is not always the case. For Jewish counselling (on an as you can afford basis), contact www.raphaeljewishcounselling.org Rabbi Jackie Tabick, who oversees Reform Judaism’s Beth Din, also invites you to talk directly to her, via www.reformjudaism.org.uk

Q I have just moved to NW London having spent six months in Israel. I am 20 years old but I’m finding it difficult to meet people my age. I would appreciate it if you could advise me as to drama groups etc, or any other organisations I might try.

A Making friends can be tricky when you’re the new girl in town. It’s not clear from your email whether you are working or still in education. If the latter then do contact your Jewish society and/or the Union of Jewish Students (www.ujs.org.uk) to find out about social activities. Whether or not you’re a student, I’d advise that you get in touch with London’s Jewish Cultural Centre, JW3 (www.jw3.org.uk) where you’ll find a whole raft of different arts events - including an amateur theatre group - that might interest you. JW3 also has specific events for young professionals in their 20s and 30s. It organises Friday night dinners and monthly film nights, and the annual summer party takes place next month (book online). Don’t rule out volunteering either, as a fulfilling and sociable activity; again JW3 provides opportunities for this. You could also join the Facebook group, London Jewish Events.
Where did you live before your trip to Israel? Don’t be afraid to get back in touch with your old friends. Even if you weren’t NW London based, your mates might have contacts in London.
The key is to be open to all opportunities and to get yourself out there.
And now for a little bit of matchmaking.
Last time, I answered a question from a woman who felt she’d missed her chance on the Jewish dating scene. A male reader got in touch to say he’d like to make contact. “I am in my mid 30s, modern Orthodox and I like travelling, campaigning, writing articles, visiting kosher restaurants, music and musical theatre. It would be lovely to learn more about this mystery lady.”
So, if the lady in question is reading this, please contact me and I will pass on his contact details.

Contact Hilary via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QF