What better way to bring in the new year than with the news that my show Ashley Blaker’s Goyish Guide To Judaism is finally returning to BBC Radio 4. It has been 17 months since it was last on air but my lawyers successfully argued that it had been prorogued unlawfully so I’ve been recalled with immediate effect.

I’ll be honest, it is daunting trying to provide a succinct guide to Judaism for the non-Jewish world. Surely to even attempt such a thing would be a huge insult to the sanctity of the Torah and a slight on the great sages who have spent hours learning and elucidating our scriptures.

Quite frankly I was disgusted that the BBC would ask me to even consider it. In fact I had a good mind to report this as an antisemitic hate crime. The trouble is I realised the EHRC has so many complaints about the Labour Party they’d probably not get round to my case for another 10 years.

The next problem was how to organise all this information in an easily digestible way. And, as luck would have it, the Torah breaks down our rules into 613 commandments. So God has basically provided me with a ready-made format for which I’m extremely grateful. That said, I am not giving God any of the format fee and the credit at the end of the show will be ‘devised by Ashley Blaker’, not ‘devised by God’.

God created time but Just A Minute still only credits Ian Messiter so I don’t feel too guilty.

My show goes through the 613 commandments of the Torah and I had intended on doing this at a rate of three per show. But now I see Radio 4 are spacing out episodes 17 months apart, I’ve realised I need to increase the pace a little otherwise I’m going to still be making this show in 288 years’ time. And even if I undertook to have my brain cryogenically preserved so I can make this show from within a jar, I’m just not sure Radio 4 will still be going.

In this episode I start with the Ten Commandments, which are clearly very important among the 613. We know this because they’re the only ones that were turned into a film. But I will also cover lesser-known commandments such as Thou Shalt Dress Jewish, Thou Shalt Develop Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Thou Shalt Endure the Embarrassment of Praying in Public.

And I’ve not told the BBC this, but if I do manage to get through the whole of the Torah, I’m planning to then start working my way through the commandments in the New Testament as well.

So do please listen to ‘Ashley Blaker’s Goyish Guide To Judaism’ on Radio 4 this Sunday.

I’ll need several centuries to get through it all but Nicholas Parsons is still on air and I am reliably informed he’s 197 so please God by me.