It’s official; the world has reopened and Jew dos are back! I’ve been to a fair few in my time and I can confirm they are a mixed bag. My approach to these events mirrors the advice I give my clients when it comes to dating: you’ve got to go to the bad events to get to the good events. If it’s a bad event, it’s a great story and if it’s a good event, you can thank me later. They may be hosted by different charities and organisations but you are guaranteed to find your staple type of attendees. Let’s have a look at the guest list.
The old timer
The one you see at every single Jewish event who is well past the age limit for the event, but everyone turns a blind eye.
Seeing them makes you question if you are also an old timer. A quick pep talk with your mate assures you this is absolutely untrue and to keep an open mind. You thank them for the moral support.
The table hopper
After a Hunger Games style frenzy to get a good seat, you still get the one who can’t sit still. They will find you at the bar, or chat you up on the way to the toilet pretending to ask for your table number — they already know it of course. They then make regular appearances between starter and dessert. Ants in your pants?
The one you’ve already dated
And every other girl in the room. We all know this type. I say no more.
The one you’ve just matched with on a dating app
Do I go and break the ice, laugh it off and start a chat, or do I run and hide? At 11pm you’re still second guessing if it is actually the person you’ve matched with, but deep down you already know the truth.
The one who thinks they’re too cool to be here
You hear this regularly from the cool cat: “My friend dragged me, I wasn’t really bothered about coming.” Well, that’s the end of that chat.
The international
Everybody is curious who the random Mexican guy is and how he got here (especially during a pandemic) but we appreciate the newbie nonetheless. Cue “ooh who’s that?” from every girl in the room. Not to be confused with…
The one just here for the weekend
Flew in from Paris yesterday, off to Zurich on Sunday. Catch me if you can.
The one who is Jew-ish
They love to tell you “I have a Jewish cousin” or “I’m Jew-ish”. Also, they are very keen to make it known they are off to Shoreditch for a night out with their non-Jewish friends once FND finishes. Basically, they are only here for pre-drinks.
The couple who met at this event last year
This is their one year anniversary party. Mazeltov guys!
The one who just moved to London
Looking for some gal pals or lads to go out with. This is where you will usually find me (being a matchmaker and all). I love finding a new recruit and taking someone under my wing.
The smoker
The smoking area’s welcoming committee. Needless to say they will be residing there come rain or shine.
The best looking one in the room
Usually a Northerner. I don’t want to stereotype but they always seem to be well dressed, groomed and glamorous. Classy.
The one looking to settle down
They don’t mess about with the small talk. Their second question is usually “are you ready for marriage?”. They are looking for their wifey and hubby respectively. I always hope these two find each other sooner rather than later, for everyone else’s sake.
The one who found out they were Jewish last week
They are just as confused as you are as to why they are even here!
I could go on for days, listing the type of people who are guaranteed to be at a Jew do. But it wouldn’t be the same without them and admit it, you’ll still put your best dress on and show up.
