Q I am desperate. I have long been abused by my mother, both physically and mentally. My siblings have been treated very differently, and do not wish to be involved in my problematic relationship. My mother is extremely manipulative and always lied to my recently deceased father about me. She played him off against me.
Since his passing — he told me on his death-bed that he regretted having “neglected” me — my mother has turned my siblings and others against me, telling them that I ignore her and that I am nasty to her — both lies. She pretends to be kind if she wants to impress someone, otherwise she is totally cold and nasty. My father’s stone-setting is coming up and I don’t know how I’ll get through the day.
I am very happily married with wonderful children who hurt to see me in such agony. I have had a lot of counselling over the years and have been told that my mother is narcissistic. Please help.
A My heart sank when I read your letter because I know that I can’t really help you. Not because I don’t want to, but because when it comes to narcissists there is no solution. They are — like your mother — vain, manipulative, often cruel, and lacking in both self-awareness and empathy. Relationships with narcissists are always toxic and destructive, and they don’t — and possibly can’t — change (certainly, not if they do not wish to). So, if the narcissist hurting you was a partner or a friend or a work colleague, I would simply say walk — nay, run — away as fast as you can. But that is not so easy to do when the narcissist in your life is your mother.
You ask how to get through the stone setting. I can’t pretend it won’t be an ordeal but, with the support of your loving husband, who knows the score, it will be OK. Surviving is about putting on a mask of calm and going through the motions. Do and say the right things, smile sweetly, act normally and neither confront nor ignore your mother. She wants a reaction from you, so don’t give her the satisfaction. Just focus on the formalities and thinking of your late father, who was also her victim.
As for the long term, you will never be able to have a normal, fulfilling relationship with her, so it might be wise to resume the counselling and break off contact, at least for a while. You cannot stop her spreading her poison but be assured that, like your late father, everyone, ultimately, will see her true colours.
Narcissists are rarely happy people. You, on the other hand, say you are very happily married with wonderful children. Take comfort in the fact that you have achieved this in spite of your mother. It is probably why she targets you.
Q I’m an unmarried 35-year-old woman, have never thought about having children and still have no plans to do so. I live a happy, sociable life and feel entirely fulfilled. But, of late, my parents have been applying subtle — and not-so subtle — pressure on me, and making me feel that I am inadequate and a failure. Recently, it’s been getting too much and I have been avoiding them, which is obviously upsetting for all. How can I reduce the tension and get my parents to respect the choices I have made?
A The very first letter I answered in this column, back in April, was virtually the flip side of your problem; it might almost have come from your mother. So my advice to you is similar.
Your parents are projecting their own pain on to you. They anticipated grandchildren from you; it hasn’t happened — and may now never happen — and there’s nothing they can do about it except nag.
Try to empathise with them but, stay strong. It’s not your job to fill their retirement years with grandchildren to nurture.
You sound like a woman who knows her own mind. In other words, you’re a credit to them — they’ve raised a successful, independent, happy, popular daughter. Remind them of this. If you’re certain you never want children, it’s a good idea to communicate this, as gently as possible, so they learn to accept the idea and stop hoping.
But if you feel it’s possible you might one day change your mind, then explain that it’s your business and they are putting you under undue stress. Be honest about feeling that you want to avoid them because of this pressure. Perhaps you could agree to make this a “don’t mention the war” topic — a subject that is off-limits when you meet.
Contact Hilary at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QE
