This summer the weather in the UK has been a bit of a washout. A rainy summer can be tricky in all sorts of ways, not least because we don’t expect it. We hope for long dry spells so the kids can enjoy their summer break with trips to the park.

Expectations are unhelpful emotionally because of how they set us up. They say that expectations are premeditated resentments, especially when it comes to relationships. And expectations that people have about their partner are particularly unhelpful.

The key to managing them is open communication. Years ago, my husband and I were packing to fly to Israel with two children under the age of three. The hallway was chaotic with bottles and nappies all over the place.

As I was trying to figure out how much formula to fit in my carry-on, I noticed that my husband was packing several books in his hand luggage.

I would like to say that I paused and had a calm conversation about expectations of our upcoming journey, but I’m not sure that’s exactly how it went. Either way, I learned a lesson about verbalising expectations early on.

In the early stages of a relationship couples delight in discovering similarities between them and their initial attraction drives them to accommodate each other and work around differences.

But as a relationship unfolds, the attraction settles down and unmet expectations often become contentious. People can become more rigid in their own perspective, thinking that their reaction is the only legitimate response to a situation.

When children come along it is easy to set up an atmosphere in which one particular personality is admired and others are scorned at. It takes work to maintain openness in a home in which personality differences can be accepted and appreciated. This work is most effective when it is modelled by parents.

Some of our expectations are embedded in our personalities. We assume that others react the way we do; that everyone enjoys socialising or wants to wind down before bed; that everyone likes to flesh out an argument until the bitter end.

Our childhood experiences are also hugely formative of our expectations. Did your father always take the bins out or change the lightbulbs? Did your mother always make a big deal about birthdays?

Childhood

Our childhood experiences are hugely formative later on in life (Photo: Getty)

Without realising it, we reach adulthood with a template of the roles that different family members should play and it is often a shock when your partner does things differently.

Culture also colours expectations, particularly with regard to gender roles. Do you expect a Jewish mother to rustle up a three-course dinner in a flash? Or for the woman to hold the mental load of the household?

Although cultural expectations are looser today, it is surprising how embedded many remain.

Many people have high expectations of what their spouse should provide them. It is not your partner’s job to make you happy, to anticipate your every need or to have you in mind and put you first at all times.

These expectations come from strong societal narratives, endorsed by Hollywood, that romantic partners hold the key to ultimate fulfilment.

But they also often come from unmet childhood needs in which a partner is expected to emotionally compensate for where a parent fell short.

Once a man told me that whenever he has an argument or does things wrong he expects his wife to respond with validation and a hug. A woman once told me that she expects her husband to always think about what she needs before he plans his day.

I have also seen couples with high expectations of reciprocity. Whenever he has a night off, she is owed one. When she makes dinner, he needs to clear up.

Expectations such as these create too much dependency in the relationship and can become stifling.

It is helpful to think about your own expectations of your partner and to check whether they are rigid or overly high.

It takes emotional resilience to be confident enough to relax expectations and be open about your spouse’s behaviour.

That is not to say that anyone accepts treatment that is demeaning or makes them feel unsafe, but beyond personal boundaries, giving your partner the space to truly be themselves can only make a relationship stronger.