Q I've been married to my husband for 10 years, and we've got three lovely children. We went out for five years before marrying, and we have a lovely, trusting relationship. The problem is that I've developed a crush on his best friend. I feel such a fool like a teenager but I can't stop thinking about him and imagining the two of us together. I know it's just a fantasy and I'd never act on it, but I feel like I'm betraying my husband just thinking about it. How can I cure myself?
A Although I wouldn’t presume to compare your husband’s best friend to Christian Grey, the hero of the eponymous Fifty Shades of Grey, the enormous success of that novel is testament to the fact that middle-aged women enjoy fantasising. You are normal.
Having a crush, whether it’s on a fictional sadistic millionaire, a pop star, or — as in your case — someone you actually know, is generally harmless: a safe way of living out your fantasises. Banish any guilt you’re feeling from your mind for ‘betraying’ your husband. So long as this remains confined to your imagination, and you don’t act on it, you are not being unfaithful.
But while there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with having a crush, it could spell danger. You’re not a teenager, you’re a supposedly happily married woman with three children. The fact that you’re feeling this way suggests that there’s something missing from your life and/or your relationship with your husband, something that needs to be addressed. So, what aren’t you getting from your marriage? Excitement, a good sex life, the feeling you’re desired, maybe just plain old fun?
And what does your husband’s best friend have that your husband doesn’t? Is it that he listens to you, makes you feel like the woman you used to be, rather than just a wife and mother? Does he compliment you, or make you laugh? Or perhaps he looks after himself better than your husband, cares more about his clothes/appearance/weight, and you feel your husband has ‘let himself go’?
Think about what is lacking in your marriage and then see what you can do to reinvigorate it. Want more passion? How about booking a weekend away in a hotel, without the kids? It’s important that you talk to your husband — NOT about your crush (sometimes, honesty is not the best policy) — about what you feel and need, and what he wants too.
As for your crush, these obsessions tend to die down naturally over time, especially if they’re not fed. So perhaps try not to see too much of your husband’s friend while you work on your marriage.
Q My ex and I have always worked hard to make sure that we put aside our differences to give our kids (aged 5, 8 and 11) the love and support they deserve. It hasn’t been easy, but for two years we’ve made it work. But now things are changing. I’ve met a wonderful man and we hope to get married. He’s frum and I’m very happy with that, it isn’t a long way from the traditional home we have anyway. However my ex has gone in the other direction. He and his girlfriend don’t keep kosher or Shabbat. My kids are there most weekends. How do we handle the difference in our homes without confusing the kids?
A Experts may bang on about how children need consistency and, to a certain extent, that is very true. But don’t underestimate how intelligent and adaptable children are, and how — unlike most adults — they aren’t set in their ways.
When it comes to religion, it’s a good lesson for them to learn that people have different beliefs and practises, that there isn’t only one ‘right’ way of living life. It will make them more open-minded and tolerant.
Present information to them in a clear and straightforward manner, and they will take it on board without too much drama.
There’s no reason why they won’t accept that Mum does x and Dad does y. The important thing is not to criticise each other’s choices.
Your children have already adapted to a massive change — your break-up with their father. They’ve got through it because you’ve worked together and made sure they continue to feel loved and supported by both of you. You need to carry on doing this.
Could you talk to your ex about your concerns and try to find a compromise solution? Perhaps he can agree to give them kosher food, for example, even if he doesn’t want to have a proper Shabbat meal. When they’re old enough, they will choose how, or if, they wish to practise Judaism.
Contact Hilary via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QF
