Q At the beginning of the pandemic I lost my husband of 30 years to Covid. Since that time, I feel so angry at God and religion I have not celebrated anything Jewish this year. With the High Holy Days approaching again I am considering attending services — perhaps I will feel comforted by the sense of community. My question is: can faith really fix a broken heart?
A First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your loss and I wish you and your family long life and comfort.
It’s important to remember that feeling angry following a bereavement is a very normal part of grieving and can be more intense if the loss is unexpected. Anger, like all emotions, needs to be noticed and validated and you can manage it better if you talk about it to others. So try to allow yourself to feel the anger fully and don’t be tempted to push it away as it will only seep through into blame and frustration in other relationships. I don’t know about your support network, but I hope you have some family and friends who can listen to and recognise without judgement how deeply angry you feel.
Anger is often expressed as a secondary emotion, masking an underlying feeling that might be more difficult to access. Ask yourself what feelings might be underneath your rage against God. Is it a deep disappointment that your life partner was taken so soon? Is it feelings of unfairness that this is the way life is turning out? It might be helpful to write a letter to God describing all the feelings that you have towards Him and Judaism. You can show the letter to somebody you trust, or you can let the feelings go and destroy it. Whatever feels best.
Feeling angry towards God does not necessarily mean that you lack faith. In fact, if you feel deeply angry towards someone it’s more likely that you have an established history and relationship with them. And you are never angry towards somebody if you don’t believe that they exist! The fact that you have directed your anger towards God is a sign of your faith because it shows that God is part of your life. It seems that faith has already taken a central role in your grieving process. The next step in your faith journey would be recognising the good that God has done as well as the pain, but this may be too difficult for you at the moment.
As to whether you should go to shul this year, I would advise for you to think carefully about whether you will be able to connect to the service or whether the painful memories of your loss would outweigh any benefit of communal prayer. Find a relative or friend to accompany you and share your concerns so that they can support you if things get too much. And if you decide not to attend services remember not to be too self-critical and to treat yourself with nurture and compassion. Losing a loved one is a tough and lonely journey that can seem dreadfully dark at times. There may be no quick fix for a broken heart, but I hope you have people around you who can hold on to the pieces until some time in the future when they slowly start to heal and they can be brought back together one piece at a time.
Chana Hughes is a family therapist and mental health practitioner who works with children and young people, couples, families and individuals. Please send her your questions at chughes@thejc.com
