It was school sports day this week. There were some good performances. One of the big kids ran the 100 metres in 11 seconds, give or take a few hundredths. He finished arms outstretched, palms open wide, like Usain Bolt. Watching; a couple of very impressed first formers, two parents waiting for their lad to start the 800 metres, and a handful of teachers.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the field, the event included in the programme only to involve those who were not distinguished in running, jumping or throwing dangerous metal objects, had drawn the biggest, loudest gathering of all. And while school records were being rewritten in anonymity, the inter-house tug of war had created a fervour not witnessed since the last decent playground fight.
And you may think this opinion is being offered tongue in cheek, but considering all the stupid sports that are given consideration as Olympic events, and some that are already included, why has nobody recently proposed one that genuinely delivers on an Olympic ideal of “Citius, Altius, Fortius” (swifter, higher, stronger) and, by the look of it, has the potential for populist appeal?
I’m serious. Tug of war is a proper test of strength. What part of swifter, higher, stronger is satisfied by golf, which is now proposed as an Olympic sport? Are we going to time the players over 18 holes, to see who can get round the quickest? Will there be individual events to see who can sky the ball off the tee, or bludgeon it furthest down the fairway? Roller-skating events are also being assessed. What next, break-dancing? Frisbee? These are past-times, not sports.
Tug of war was an Olympic event from 1900 to 1920, and Great Britain was actually rather good at it. Indeed, in the overall medal table, the British were top with five of the 13 awarded, including two golds. There seemed to be something of a participation problem as, twice, only two countries competed, but checking the website of the Tug of War International Federation that seems less of a issue now, with 54 member countries. There is even a petition to get tug of war into London 2012.
You are still waiting for the gag. There’s no gag. The Olympic movement has lost its way pandering to television and its celebrity cravings. Tennis should never be an Olympic sport because the gold medal is not its pinnacle of achievement. We all know how many Grand Slams have been won by Roger Federer.
His Olympic record? Who cares? It would be the same for Tiger Woods. If he cannot engage with the Ryder Cup, does anyone really see him in the Olympic village, palling around with the weightlifters and kayakers as part of Team USA?
Tug of war is a proper sport, with proper rules, and proper entertainment value. If we had a British team and a gold medal at stake, eight of our blokes on one side, eight Germans on the other, you’d be shouting at the television with the rest of us. Don’t believe me? Did you ever think you would be up at midnight watching curling?
Martin Samuel is the chief sports writer of the Daily Mail, where his column appears on Monday and Wednesday