When someone has experienced a bereavement and feels the need for some extra support, I am very grateful that the Jewish Bereavement Counselling Service is there for them. As a counsellor working with JBCS for the last few years, I have witnessed the variable effects grief can have. From needing some extra support during part of the grieving process to feeling drowned by the utter depth of experience and loss.
The sheer force of grief can pull the rug from under our lives and turn worlds upside down. As is often said, grief is different for everyone. It comes in many guises with a range of emotions and thoughts. There is no strict formula or way of ‘doing grief right.’ It is often being thrown into deep turbulent waters and needing to learn to somehow swim through it. Many do with the support of family and friends. There are times though when the support has waned, leaving feelings of loneliness, overwhelm, resistance, or even uncertainty about ‘how’ to grieve, or what grief truly is. It can feel like being stuck. It is in essence, another wave - and it is at this point, when people often reach out to JBCS.
What I often witness is a wrestling with the loss. From not knowing why it happened or how it could it have happened in that way to not believing or wanting it to be and being thrown by the feelings and thoughts that emerge. A jostling of making sense of the loss and also a resistance to the experience of it. Thoughts of missing them, wanting them back and wanting to honour them intertwine with the feelings of loss and love. The turbulent energy that comes through challenges everything that was thought to be known. Pain and other challenging feelings emerge as well as love, memories and comfort. It can be a process of integrating the loss into their world, it could even be a shift of their world itself.
With this grappling, what emerges is a resilience unbeknown before. It is not necessarily initially felt or seen, even when reflected back to them. Yet, there it is. A glimmer. The materialising of something new. Not the road wanted or chosen, yet a road, nonetheless. An un-layering of a capacity to connect to life in a deeper way, a deeper awareness of the fragility of life and with it, of loss, love and resilience. Hope begins to seep in. Thoughts previously unimagined begin to emerge and possibility arises. From an initial drop to a stream that begins to integrate with the waves of grief and gradually changes its meaning.
What can also arise is a changing relationship with the loved one lost as well as the loss itself. Beliefs can have an impact on the relationship with grief and the person bereaved. A common thread that links these variances is learning to be with what is. It could look like having greater acceptance. It could look like reconnecting with the world albeit from a new place within oneself. It could also be that as this is absorbed it can potentially give rise to a different type of connection. An evolving ongoing relationship with them unimagined before.There is no time frame to this or any aspect of grief. Each individual experiences it in their own unique way, with their own understanding.
Bearing witness to struggle and pain is a humbling position. The bravery to open up one’s inner world and share it with another is a trusting experience. The insights that transpire, deeper understanding and ability to move through with the loss show an openness to being with it. The extent of this resilience that comes through catches me every time and I feel awestruck by the capacity of human strength.
Grieving, including coming to counselling, is not about ‘getting over’ a bereavement. It encompasses learning to embrace our innate capacity to meet it, allowing it to guide us through to the pain toward a deeper understanding, connection, and awareness of love. Over time, calmer waters grow around and begin to blend with the turbulent ones, and with it, the capacity to hold both loss and love together in our hearts.
Miri Sagir is a JBCS counsellor. jbcs.org.uk; 020 8951 3881; enquiries@jbcs.org.uk
PO Box 875, Edgware, HA8 4WX
Registered charity 1047473