3 min read
ByMiriam Shaviv, Miriam Shaviv
'The Orthodox are burying their heads in the sand. We pretend that intermarriage is someone else’s problem — which it is not — and offer no solutions'
October 29, 2020 11:56A few months before Covid, a friend was a guest at the wedding of a non-Jewish colleague. When he turned up to the reception, he was surprised to discover that many of the guests on the other side looked familiar. The groom, it turned out, was a Jewish lad whose parents were members of a prominent United Synagogue shul.
Once my friend had finished his Hermolis meal, he wandered round to the “Jewish tables” to chat to some acquaintances. The message he heard was unequivocal. This mixed-faith wedding was in no way unusual. They frequently spent the weekend attending the mixed marriages of their friends’ children — all members of the United Synagogue.
The statistics support them. The United Synagogue Strategic Review, published in February 2015, estimated that 18 percent of children of United Synagogue members who are married, married out. This figure, which was based on a survey of members, is likely to be an under-estimate, particularly given the passage of time. The respondents were self-selecting, and the survey does not account for “shy parents” of intermarried children.
Why is this important?
Because the news that Liberal Judaism is now allowing mixed-faith blessings under the chupah is attracting predictable derision in Orthodox circles. As Norman Lebrecht put it bluntly on these pages:“Open up the ceremony to a partner who is not Jewish and the chupah has as much holiness as a factory-reject colander.”
The problem is, sneering doesn’t disguise the reality, which is that all the non-Charedi denominations share the challenge of intermarriage. It’s just a question of degree.
And whilst we might disagree with the Liberal solution, at least they now have a clear position — one which acknowledges and makes some attempt to deal with reality.
Meanwhile, the Orthodox are burying their heads in the sand. We pretend that intermarriage is someone else’s problem — which it is not — and offer no solutions.
Unlike in the United States, there is almost no communal discussion around intermarriage in the Orthodox-affiliated community. That discussion is long overdue, because even if the figure of 18 percent were accurate — and again, it’s likely higher than that — it is of crisis proportions.
In the past, the community’s answer has been to try to prevent intermarriage from taking place. But in today’s modern, free society, that ship has sailed. Both here and in the United States, we have fought this battle and lost. You can no longer forbid intermarriage. No one talks any more about ‘sitting shiva’ for their intermarried children. Instead you invite your United Synagogue friends to their weddings. The stigma of intermarriage is gone.
We could probably reduce intermarriage numbers if we did more to make Judaism and Jewish life attractive and welcoming. The truth is, many good organisations are trying. But the numbers still seem to be going the wrong way.
The easier solution is to make Orthodox conversion more straightforward for non-Jewish spouses. But the United Synagogue’s beth din does not want to do this. It prides itself on being the “gold standard” in conversions.
This has traditionally been shorthand for “making conversion as difficult as possible” (although in recent years, there has been much less friction between the beth din and the community around this issue, perhaps as conversion has slipped down the communal and international agenda). And the beth din has been actively suspicious of those who want to convert specifically for marriage purposes.
Given the population it serves, this is self-defeating. They’re turning away people who could help build perfectly good Jewish homes. And they are pushing some of these families into the arms of the Reform and Liberal movements, who will happily convert the non-Jewish partner.
Another reason why the 18 percent figure is probably low is that many United Synagogue parents doubtless consider their children to have married “in”, because they followed this exact path.
How can we allow the beth din to take this maximalist approach when at least one in five children who grow up in the United Synagogue marry out?
We need to urgently re-examine our strategy. And the first step is to recognise that we can’t have it both ways: Wishing to prevent intermarriage but at the same time, making it hellishly difficult for non-Jewish partners to convert. Well, which is it?
