Hadley Freeman: Jews don't make New Year's resolutions, but here are mine

The most Jewish thing about Jews is that we’ll complain the food is bad, and also that the portions are too small.

The second most Jewish thing about Jews is we don’t make resolutions on New Year because — as my Hebrew teacher, Mrs Cohen, once explained to me — resolutions are predictions.

Instead, we do teshuvah, ie, self-reflection and repentance. Yeah, no optimism about the future for us, just self-flagellation and regret. Happy New Year to us!

Because I truly am a woman who has it all, I do both: resolutions and regret. What else are resolutions but an attempt to rectify past regrets, or at least learn from them?

woody allen GettyImages-3259380

Woody Allen (Photo: Getty Images)

This, surely, is what the new year is supposed to be about. Well, that and standing around the radio and feeling wistful about the fast passing of time — at least that’s what Woody Allen’s Radio Days taught me.

And yet I take Mrs Cohen’s point that Rosh Hashanah in September should be treated very differently from all that goyish nonsense in December. So my Rosh Hashanah resolutions aren’t about not eating ice cream at midnight (but how else am I supposed to wash down all those 11pm cigarettes?).

They’re about specifically Jewish things that I need to change about myself. So these are my regretful resolutions for 5784.

1. Don’t have a meltdown when the kids complain about going to Hebrew school on the weekends

Specifically, don’t say, “Your great-grandparents went to Auschwitz just so you could be Jewish. So get your trainers on and stop moaning!” Partly because this tends to be counter-productive in terms of inspiring a love of Judaism. Partly because it makes me feel like my parents.

2. Stop treating Hebrew school like childcare

Maybe I could actually go to shul while my kids are learning their bets from their vets, and not always use it as a gift of three hours in which I can have brunch and a pedicure? Sometimes? Just once?