Students cosplaying Hamas while Ayatollah goes big on X: welcome to Tanya Gold’s 2024

George Galloway wins the Rochdale by-election after Azhar Ali, the Labour candidate, is recorded stating Israel allowed the October 7 massacre to go ahead in order to conquer Gaza. The Labour Party refuses to campaign for Ali. A young Galloway supporter says he wants to kill all the Jews in the world. When told there are anti-Zionist Jews, he says: not them. They can stay. Lord Rothschild, banker and philanthropist, dies. The new National Library of Israel, the last building he funded, is his monument. The statue of Amy Winehouse in Camden is decorated with a pro-Palestine sticker.

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MARCH

Jonathan Glazer, a Jewish filmmaker, accepts the best international film at the Academy Awards for The Zone of Interest, a film about Nazis’ murderous intent toward Jews. Glazer says he stands with men “who refute their Jewishness and the Holocaust being hijacked by an occupation which has led to conflict for so many innocent people”. A Jewish man is stabbed in Zurich. Vladimir Putin is re-elected president of Russia with 88.48 per cent of the vote on a turnout of 77.49 per cent. It is his fifth term. Pinchas Goldschmidt, former Chief Rabbi of Moscow, has urged Jews to flee Russia, and is now designated “a foreign agent” by the Russian state. There is a protest outside the opening of the Holocaust Museum in Amsterdam. It’s not the Holocaust they have issues with, it’s the museum.

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APRIL

Israel attacks the Iranian embassy in Damascus, Syria. Iran attacks Israel with 300 missiles and drones. Jordan, the UAE and Saudi Arabia help to defend Israel, which upsets Tankies living in Somerset and Hackney, who think all Arabs should agree with them about what’s best for the Middle East. As in: “What does the King of Jordan know? I haven’t seen him at a CLP meeting!” The Gaza Solidarity Encampment begins at Columbia University in New York City, allowing multiple young people to neglect their coursework but not feel lazy. It inspires similar camps throughout the world but holds a Passover Seder. “There has been this discourse that Columbia is this hotbed of antisemitism, but it’s just a bunch of nerds sitting on the ground praying, chanting and doing homework,” said a Jewish attendee. “It’s crazy how bad faith that discourse has become.” So true.

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MAY

The Swiss performer Nemo wins the Eurovision Song Contest in Malmö, Sweden, with a song called The Code. Eden Golan, the Israeli contestant, sings Hurricane, a song about the October 7 massacres. She requires security guards. The International Criminal Court chief prosecutor seeks arrest warrants for Benjamin Netanyahu and Yahya Sinwar, the mastermind of the October 7 massacre, for alleged war crimes. Norway, Spain and Ireland recognise the State of Palestine. Oxford students, academics and alumni publish a letter describing the university as a “hostile environment” for Israelis, citing “harassment incidents, directed at Jewish and Israeli university members”. Rishi Sunak calls a general election in a downpour outside Downing Street: he did not tell his full cabinet in advance. His excellent suit gets soaking wet. It’s a prelude.

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JUNE

Julian Assange is freed from prison. Ian Hislop, editor of Private Eye, has said that Assange told him in a phone call that the current affairs publication was “part of a conspiracy led by the Guardian which included journalist David Leigh, editor Alan Rusbridger and John Kampfner from Index on Censorship, all of whom ‘are Jewish’”. This is news to them, though Rusbridger does have a Jewish brother-in-law. Hislop continued: “When I doubted whether his Jewish conspiracy would stand up against the facts, Assange suddenly conceded the point. ‘Forget the Jewish thing’.” Assange, who denied Hislop’s allegations about their conversation, returns to his native Australia.

​JULY

After a lacklustre campaign in which he left the D-Day commemorations early, and leading Tories placed bets on the election date, Rishi Sunak leads the Conservatives to their worst defeat since 1906, leaving them with 121 seats. Keir Starmer, a former human rights lawyer, becomes prime minister. He looks surprised and then happy, at which voters are surprised.

The majority of Jews vote Labour. That’s our Jewish power, right there.

Reform UK take five seats, including Clacton-on-Sea for Nigel Farage, who enters Parliament at his eighth attempt. His victory smile is that of a hungry child who has been given some chips and a lolly. Six per cent of Jews vote Reform UK, compared to the national average of 15 per cent. Who says Jews are racist?

Jeremy Corbyn, bringer of allotment-grown vegetables to anti-Zionist Seders, wins Islington North as an independent: perhaps his 11th term in Parliament will be the one where he does something beyond empowering the right in terrible clothes? Even so, it’s a great day for allotment-grown vegetables, for people who want a “genocide-free Islington” and for people who believe that Corbyn is a magic Socialist who can be resurrected like Jesus. George Galloway loses his Rochdale seat to Labour. He does not stay for the count.

Three young girls are murdered at a Taylor Swift-themed dance class in Southport, Merseyside. It is later revealed the alleged murderer possessed al Qaeda training materials. Donald Trump is shot at a rally in Pennsylvania. Though covered in blood, he raises his fist to the crowd. Joe Biden withdraws his candidacy for the presidential election and endorses his deputy, Kamala Harris. At the Opening Ceremony of the Paris Olympics, it rains. Sir Keir Starmer is the only man in his block not wearing a transparent cagoule. Typically, he brought his own.

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AUGUST

There are anti-immigrant riots across the UK. They are swiftly crushed. The Community Security Trust reports that antisemitic incidents more than doubled in the first half of 2024, compared to the year before, and a record number of incidents involved schoolchildren. A Jewish man is stabbed in New York City. US presidential hopeful Robert F Kennedy Jnr says he once put a dead bear in Central Park. It’s reminiscent of Woody Allen’s famous moose joke, though by accident.

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SEPTEMBER

Alternative for Germany [AfD], a far-right, anti-immigrant party, comes first in the Thuringia state parliament election with 32.8 per cent of the vote. Appropriately, their victory is on September 1. Israel blows up the pagers and walkie-talkies of Hezbollah fighters, and kills Hassan Nasrallah, the secretary general of Hezbollah, apparently as he watches Benjamin Netanyahu give a speech on TV. If diaspora Jews laugh at this, they do so in private.

A member of the Gaza Solidarity Encampment at Columbia University asks for “basic humanitarian aid” for the camp. Which is in Manhattan.

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OCTOBER

Israel kills Yahya Sinwar, the mastermind of the October 7 massacre, in Rafah. Idiots mourn.

Writers including Sally Rooney, Rachel Kusher and Arundhati Roy sign a letter refusing to work with institutions that “are complicit or have remained silent observers of the overwhelming oppression of Palestinians”, that have “discriminatory policies and practices” or engage in “whitewashing and justifying Israel’s occupation, apartheid or genocide”. In 2021 Rooney refused to sell translation rights to her third novel to an Israeli publisher.

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NOVEMBER

After a lacklustre Democrat campaign that repeated many of Hillary Clinton’s mistakes in 2016 – insulting voters, “vibes” – Donald Trump is elected to the presidency for the second time. Even so, the majority of Jews vote Democrat. Where’s our Jewish power gone? Trump offers support to Israel and promises to “deport pro-Hamas radicals and make our college campuses safe and patriotic again”.

Kemi “Bad Enoch” Badenoch, who describes Israel as, “a thriving start-up nation that enriches and improves lives across the world,” becomes leader of the Conservative Party, beating Robert “Generic” Jenrick, who wore a “Hamas are terrorists” hoodie, in the members’ ballot.

Maccabi Tel Aviv supporters are attacked in Amsterdam after a game: they are beaten, hit with cars and chased into canals. The Oxford Union passes a motion naming Israel a genocidal apartheid state: the president speaks for the motion. Frank Auerbach, the singular genius of British post-war art, dies. His parents sent him to England from Germany in 1939, when he was eight: they were murdered in Auschwitz in 1942. The BBC airs the final part of Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall. Thomas Cromwell, a lawyer, is not Jewish. I wish he were. I also wish he were my lawyer.​

DECEMBER

The murderous regime of Bashar-Al Assad, a former ophthalmologist, falls in Syria. The Assads fled to Russia. (The writer Marina Hyde counsels Assad: don’t take a flat on too high a floor).

Israel destroys Syrian offensive capabilities.

Border-dwelling Druze villages ask to live under Israeli protection. The BBC forgets to mention this. Nigel Farage tells an audience that Reform UK will win the next general election. They don’t applaud.

The Adass Israel synagogue in Melbourne, Australia, is firebombed. The Congregation Beth Tikvah synagogue in Montreal, Canada, is also firebombed. CTV Montreal, “Montreal’s top English language newsroom” headline the story: “Flames target place of worship”. People question whether flames have moral agency.

Amnesty International accuses Israel of committing genocide. It has to change the definition of genocide to do this.  Ayatollah Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme leader, hit 1.3 million followers on X.

Patrick Marber’s revival of Mel Brooks’ The Producers opens at the Menier Chocolate Factory in London to rave reviews, though it omits the final line from the 1967 film, which speaks to the essential character of the Jewish people: “We open Saturday night!”