While Rabbi Denise Handlarski was visiting Limmud, her home in Toronto would have been lit up with Christmas lights.

Her husband of 12 years was a “very secular Christian… who never goes to church” but who likes to mark Christmas, she explained.

When they first got married she “didn’t like the idea of Christmas lights” and they settled for decorating a small tree which would be planted afterwards; this was the first year she agreed to lights.

But there was “no way” a tiny tree and lights would compete for their two children’s allegiance when their home was generally“an epicentre of Jewish learning and fun”.

Her husband was “not interested in being a Jew” himself, she said, but “he’ll do Shabbat with my kids where I am not there".

Ordained as a secular humanist rabbi, Rabbi Handlarski launched her online community, Secular Synagogue, in 2018 and two years later published The A to Z of Intermarriage, a guide to help couples “because I was tired of hearing the same old boring story about how intermarriage would mean the end of Judaism”.

That was neither true in her own life nor in that of her congregants, she said.

In a community where many members were intermarried, she believed, it was “a huge gift to the community to have an intermarried rabbi” who could provide a model for them.

Rather than bewail intermarriage as a “disaster”, communities should instead  welcome mixed couples. “We have to be inclusive if we expect people to join a community,” she argued.

According to a recent survey of Jews in America, she said, intermarried families were largely choosing to participate in Jewish life in some way, even if some children might also be raised in another religion.

As Jewish communities became more accepting of intermarried familiies, “we are finding a return to Jewish life”.

While those who primary participation was Jewish were not a majority, their number was increasing, she said. “I see that as a win.”

In contrast, creating “guilt and shame” around intermarriage was counterproductive because it drove people away, she argued. Intead communities needed to show “more joy, less oy”.

She said that when she saw so many families gathering in the marquee at LImmud to light Chanukah candles, “It brought me to tears”.

When she asked if anyone in the audience had heard the view put that intermarriage represented a victory for Hitler, a number raised their hands. “It’s a horrifying thing to say,” Rabbi Handlarski said.

Rather than rejecting the non-Jewish partner, families should instead be welcoming and show them the positive face of Judaism.

“We can just do good Judaism and stop telling other people what to do,” she advised.

And as for the negative attitudes within Jewish communities towards intermarried couples , she said, “There needs to be some teshuvah [repentance] and maybe an apology ‘ ‘We’re sorry we made you feel unwelcome for so long’.”

She observed that if two Jews marry, that creates one Jewish household. But if those Jews each marry a non-Jewish partner, that potentially doubles the number of households that could participate in Jewish life.

"I have no anxiety about Jewish continuity," she said.

One non-Jewish woman who was with her Jewish partner in the audience said that if they had children, she would feel responsible for raising them as Jewish. “I see how important it is to the Jewish community,” she said.

READ MORE: The trainee rabbi who sees hope in mixed marriages