We're fighting over a bris for our baby boy

Q My husband is not Jewish, but agreed we should bring up our children as Jews, as he knows how important it is to me. He has been great with our three-year-old daughter, celebrating festivals, sending her to a Jewish nursery and giving up eating bacon and shellfish in our home. But now we are expecting a little boy, and my husband says he's unhappy about giving him a bris. He claims it is barbaric, and he's found lots of information on the internet, which I think is antisemitic and very upsetting. We can't find a compromise. What should we do?

A Your question struck a chord because this is a dilemma my partner and I would have faced too, had our baby girl been a boy. Circumcision is so fundamental to Judaism, both religiously and culturally, that those of us brought up in it think of it as entirely normal and routine. Those who aren't Jewish, on the other hand, often regard it as unnecessary, potentially harmful and even cruel. Think objectively, and you can see why. Removing part of a tiny baby's body - from his most intimate place - for no sound medical reason, without anaesthetic, does sound barbaric. And there is, indeed, lots of literature out there about circumcisions gone wrong, and from men saying being cut has ruined their sex lives, or even arguing that it's mutilation on a par with FGM (female genital mutilation).

Of course, there is plenty of pro-circumcision fact and information out there too, which you could point him towards, to counter his arguments. For example, some experts believe being circumcised is more hygienic, prevents STIs, including the transmission of HIV and prevents penile cancer. Complications, while they do occur, are rare. You could also ask if your circumcised male relatives or friends, or those with sons who have been circumcised, would talk to your husband about this. Perhaps they could reassure him that they have no memory of the procedure and that it hasn't had any lasting negative impact on their lives. Point out that the Royal Family circumcises its male, er, members - and if it's good enough for them…

But, at heart, this disagreement isn't really about facts or logic; you're both coming from a place of emotion. You want your son circumcised because of a 'divine covenant', an ancient tradition, because it's what Jews do. He wants his son to remain intact because, whether consciously or not, he feels circumcision is an affront to his body, to his masculinity. He is aware that if it's done he will not look, or be the same, as his son and that this is, therefore, in one way, a rejection of him.