By, Hilary Freeman
3 min read
ByHilary Freeman, Hilary Freeman
Q Who should pay for a date? When I ask my very Jewish family, especially my father, the answer is clear: under no circumstances should the girl pay for a meal on the first, second or third dates. Beyond that, splitting is acceptable, but not ideal. But when my friends or I go on dates, splitting seems to be the norm. If my family spot the receipt, they say: “He clearly doesn’t like you darling, so move on.” Last weekend, I was asked out to a fancy restaurant, one I would not have chosen. My date insisted, ordered more food than me, and ate most of mine too. Then, when the £175 bill (without tip) came, he suggested we split it. Am I anti-feminist because I was shocked at the amount I was expected to pay? What’s the deal/ etiquette today?
ASocial rules should serve to create a kinder society but, sometimes, they have the opposite effect. Take your date, for example. A polite dining partner would have noticed that he (or she) ate the bulk of the meal and at least offered to pay the lion’s share. But he suggested splitting it regardless. So in his case, I’d actually agree with your parents. Move on. Not because his behaviour necessarily means he doesn’t like you, but because it indicates that he’s selfish and thoughtless (and greedy), which aren’t qualities that make for a good future partner.
You ask what I think, what your family thinks, what the etiquette is, whether you’re being anti-feminist. But you haven’t said what you think. Are you a traditionalist? Are you a feminist? Are you looking for a man like your father or an equal partner? Stop listening to what other people tell you is right and do what feels right for you.
The rules of etiquette should only ever be a guide, not a prescription. If your instinct is to want to split the bill, then split it. If you feel uncomfortable going to a restaurant that’s way out of your spending league, suggest somewhere else. And, perhaps, if you’re looking for a serious relationship, try to think beyond a date. Do you want to be with a man who always insists on paying for you? Sure, that might be nice at first but if it continues, might it imply that he’s someone who doesn’t want an equal relationship? While it’s lovely to be taken to expensive restaurants, if you can’t afford them yourself, are you always going to feel beholden? Conversely, if a guy never wants to treat you, might it suggest a less than generous nature? Of course, there’s no harm in discussing this issue with a date. The right guy will understand and share your sentiments -— whatever they are — and you can always compromise.
Q I’m a 30 year old woman and I’m single. All my friends are either married or engaged, and now they’re starting to have babies. I know I’m not an old maid — and in the non-Jewish world I doubt I’d even stand out from the crowd — but in the Jewish community I feel like I’ve missed my chance. This isn’t a question about how to get a guy. I just hate feeling like a failure, or someone people feel sorry for, and don’t know how to deal with it.
AAs you say, you are far from an old maid. In fact, the latest statistics show Jews, like the general population, and not counting the ultra orthodox communities, are getting married much later than in the past. According to the most recent Board of Deputies report on UK Jews, the average age at marriage in 2012 was 35 years for men and 33 years for women. For weddings in which both partners were marrying for the first time, the average ages were 30 years and 29 years respectively. This means that there are a lot of young Jews who, like you, are still not married at 30.
But statistics are meaningless when we, or our friends, don’t fit them. And compared to your peer group, you feel like the odd one out, a failure. Has anybody said anything to make you think you’re an object of pity, or are you reflecting the disappointment you feel about not meeting anyone into their eyes? You haven’t failed or missed your chance; you’re just on a different path.
Either way, this is not a healthy situation. While it’s natural to want to fit in with your peers and to seek their approval, if spending time with them makes you feel isolated or patronised then it could be time to make some new friends. (You don’t have to dump the old ones, just stop relying on them exclusively.)
Hanging out with people who are single like you, or don’t care about your relationship status, and have more to talk about than wedding plans or nappies, would probably give your self-esteem a massive boost. Why not get involved in activities that interest you — whether that’s volunteering, music, drama, books or sport — where you’ll meet people who share your interests.
Contact Hilary via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QF