If over the past month you haven’t flicked through Netflix, read this newspaper or any others, scrolled through Instagram or chatted to any friends, let me introduce you to Nobody Wants This.
The hit rom-com follows a romance between a cute single rabbi (played by Adam Brody) and a non-Jewish sex podcaster (Kristen Bell) and has become such a sensation that the phrase “hot rabbi”, which to me was an oxymoron until just a few weeks ago, has been trending on social media. But other than the fact that Brody’s portrayal of a sweet, kind, philosophical young rabbi has made women around the world swoon, the series has also been widely criticised for its very unfavourable portrayal of Jewish women – and fairly so. Every one of them is whingy, catty, wily, humourless and has about as much warmth as a plate of chopped liver (which we can all agree is a dish best served cold).
I may be a Jewish woman myself but I will not exacerbate the stereotype by whinging about this injustice. Instead I have created a new version to redress the balance. In this Schleps and the City rewrite the protagonist is a hot, young, female rabbi. If you’re wondering whether she’s Reform or managed to become an Orthodox rabbi somewhere in America, you’re utterly missing the point. All you need to know is that she’s super-cool and quirky yet really wise and philosophical (without being preachy) and so funny too (but not at all attention-seeking), not to mention naturally beautiful without a speck of make-up or a blow-dry.
Scene 1:
l Hot Rabbi Noa arrives home to her brunette family and sighs deeply.
Having just met fun, quirky gentile Joe, with his cool floppy hair, all these Jewish men seem so sensible with their nicely ironed shirts and chinos and their hair that doesn’t flop – or exist. She finds Joe on Instagram and weirdly they don’t already have 3,052 mutual followers. It’s thrilling. She says a little prayer and sends him a message.
Scene 2:
l It’s Friday night and Hot Rabbi Noa has decided to cook a traditional Friday night dinner for her first date with cool, quirky Joe.
He helps her in the kitchen and she asks him to pass her the huge Le Creuset casserole dish from a top cupboard. Without even needing a stepladder, he manages to retrieve it. It’s strange how much taller he is than all the other Jewish men she’s dated who are exactly the same height – according to their Tinder profile.
She’s poised to massage his back – surely schlepping that Le Creuset would cause a ‘niggle’ – but he continues sipping his Heineken like nothing’s happened. It turns out, not only does he not have a bad back – he’s never even visited an osteopath. The thought of all those sturdy vertebrae makes her... thankful to Hashem.
They sit down for dinner and he finds the candles super romantic – if a little tall and skinny.
After having challah, chopped liver, egg & onion, pickles, hummus, baba ganoush, chicken soup, croutons and knaidelech, Joe thanks her for the meal. The Hot Rabbi stifles a giggle. It’s so sweet to meet a man who’s so easily satisfied on a Friday night. She fantasises about their life ahead together, with starters only, and the idea makes her wild with excitement.
She tells him there’s more to come and rolls her sleeves up to below the elbow to get the chicken out of the oven. She explains that she can’t reveal her elbows because even though she is super-cool and naturally gorgeous, she also keeps the Jewish rules of modesty.
He is so into her theological prowess that he just doesn’t care. In fact, he finds it so attractive that he leans in for their first kiss. Staring into his eyes she quickly explains why there’ll be none of the naughty stuff before marriage.
He’s so intellectually stimulated by her that he says he doesn’t need any of that physical nonsense. She can feel that the two of them are meant to be.
Scene 3:
l Cool, quirky Joe asks Hot Rabbi Noa to come and watch his Sunday friendly match in Mill Hill. She heads there assuming he’ll be with all the other middle-aged men still living their teenage fantasy at the Power League. But then she realises she’s meant to be at StoneX, which of course she still calls Copthall. He’s playing rugby! She’s never heard of a man over the age of 21 engaging in such a risky, daring activity. He’s basically Bear Grylls, she realises. He seems to get knocked around and bashed about so she runs over to ask him if he wants her to call his mother, but he assures her that he’s OK and certainly doesn’t need his mum. He’s so tough, it makes her come across all giddy, but with one quick flex of his hardy gentile vertebrae, he manages to catch her in his shvitzy arms. She’s so grateful to have been saved she says a blessing to thank Hashem. Then Joe looks into her learned eyes and utters the three words Hot Rabbi Noa has been waiting for: “Amen to that.”
This version of ‘Nobody Wants This’ is coming to screens never, but if there are any TV producers reading this, perhaps it’s time for a loveable Jewish female lead? You can leave out the Jewish male stereotyping too – that’s just for us to enjoy in the ‘Jewish Chronicle’.
