Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the thought of spending Valentine’s Day alone? Desperately tried to deflect probing questions from family around the Shabbat table about your relationship status? Wanted to travel somewhere special but felt like you were holding out for ‘the one’ to do so?

You’re not alone.

Let’s be honest, the world isn’t easy to navigate when you’re single. You’re not to blame, it’s the world we live in. You’re more commercially attractive to businesses when you’re in a couple; from M&S meal deals for two to romantic hotel packages, the world often feels like it’s set up for even numbers. Being single, especially by choice, can feel like going against the grain in a world that encourages you to be paired-off.

Simply by staying solo, you’re seen as a rebel.

But single AND Jewish? Especially if you’re a woman and over the age of 30? That’s a recipe for some intrusive family members, unwanted attention and constant explaining of your decisions. There seems to be one narrative and one narrative only in the Jewish community: settle down by the age of 30.

I know many Jewish girls who have been feeling the pressure to get married, whether it’s from family or keeping up in their friendship group, from their early 20s. It’s crazy really; there’s so much learning and growing to do in your 20s, and yet we’re pushed down this path of marriage and babies so early, often rushing through or wishing away that valuable time of personal development.

It’s beautiful that family values are so at the heart of Jewish life; but the downside is many young people can feel pushed into finding a partner and creating that traditional domestic life from a young age. That pressure serves no-one; we’re pushing young women to potentially miss out on valuable life experiences and time to build self-knowledge.

Personally, I think far too much of our life is taken up with the preoccupation of finding a partner and ticking off life milestones — engagement, wedding, babies, happily ever after — and often we can feel incomplete without that sense of sharing life with someone. I think it’s why so often we use the language of completeness around relationships — my “other half” — because we carry a lingering feeling that we’re somehow not whole by being single.

Let me tell you this: you’re not incomplete if you’re single. You’re whole, just as you are.

There are many positive things to being single, which we often overlook in this mad panic to find our “person”. Solo travel is something I think everyone should experience — pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone to travel and see the world independently. Being single gives you the freedom and time to really get to know yourself, and know what you want out of a relationship. It gives you space to define life on your own terms and stops you making decisions from a place of fear or panic. Being comfortable and happy single is a power move; it helps you create better boundaries with others, learn to rely on yourself and become your own support network — a powerful thing.

We often don’t realise how much we’re losing or compromising by being in a relationship, and, when single, we have the opportunity to greet ourselves like a long-lost friend and rediscover parts of ourselves that might be long-forgotten in coupledom.

My new book Unattached: Empowering Essays On Singlehood forms a new narrative; one which puts women at the centre stage of their own story and shows you that there’s not one way to lead a happy and fulfilled life. The book brings together the voices and experiences of 30 women through unique personal essays; women who have chosen to find empowerment in their single status and re-write the story that being single is a problem to be fixed.

It’s the book I needed when my long-term relationship ended — I felt very alone in being 30 and single, an age when so many around me were planning weddings or starting families. From solo travel to egg freezing, the book opens a conversation to a topic that often somehow feels shameful and taboo.

Being single isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding if you can see the good in it. I know personally how much strength and self-knowledge I’ve gained from being single — and although it can be challenging at times, it gives you tools for navigating life that you simply don’t use in the same way when you’re constantly leaning on another for support. My experience of navigating the pandemic solo, living alone, has reinforced my belief that the most challenging circumstances can often be a blessing in disguise, as they force us to get creative and resourceful for how we show up for ourselves. Learning to self-partner is our life’s work, but crucial if we’re to find joy and empowerment in being single.

Singlehood requires strength; whether it’s fielding probing questions from family members, being the only single one in your friendship group or going to an event solo, it’s not always an easy ride, which is why I think finding your “single tribe” is one of the most transformative things you can do for yourself. I’ve found so much strength in my own community of single women in their 30s who haven’t quite settled down in the way that everyone expects — and those friendships have been so nourishing in their own way.

I’d like every young woman to be given the space and opportunity to create her own path, and not feel bad about herself if she finds her timeline and script is different from other people’s. We’re all unique, with our desires, goals and destiny, and if we could find more space to celebrate life in all its variety and colour, I think we’d all be happier.

Unattached: Enpowering Essays On Singlehood edited by Angelica Malin is published by Square Peg