When I think back over my time as a Rebbetzin, one memory stays with me. It was during a batmitzvah class when an 11-year-old girl asked me a question. “My friend told me that Orthodox women aren’t equal to the men,” she began, “but I don’t feel this way at all. I feel different but fine being traditional. I want to explain to them why Orthodox women are valued, too.”

Women’s roles in Orthodox Judaism is one of the key issues with which the modern Orthodox Anglo Jewish communities are currently grappling. Or is it? Perhaps ideas about equality are on some people’s minds. But what about the youth? Is the fact that girls have a less publicly active role in the synagogue service the key reason why our teen girls stay at home? If so, why don’t our teenage boys attend? With a range of roles at their disposal, from ark-opening to reading from the Torah, why aren’t our young men queuing round the block, vying for their chance at hagbah (raising the Torah)?

It seems that there are key reasons, other than gender equality, why teens are not attending shul. Call me cynical, but perhaps it has more to do with the lack of wifi during Shabbat morning services than wanting to lead from the bimah.

Often, parents come to me to discuss their daughter’s upcoming batmitzvah. It would be great if she could have something similar to the boys, they say. But although we can adapt the service slightly to give women more active parts, the halachic obligation of men davening with a minyan is part and parcel of the longstanding Jewish tradition. Differing mitzvot for men and women is characteristic of being Orthodox.

Perhaps, when parents ask this, the question is: who is really asking? Your daughter is 11. She has just moved to high school and is probably thinking about all sorts of things: new friendships, social media, managing her school work. Women’s rights in the synagogue are not very high on most 11-year-olds’ agendas.

Even for those tweens who are more mature and thoughtful, perhaps they are more interested to hear about the Jewish approach to climate change or social consciousness rather than worrying about who sits behind the mechitzah. And even those who are thinking about gender equality; they may arrive at very different conclusions, if they are given the space to decide for themselves.

Western society’s dominant narrative for the past few decades has been to fight for and embrace a gender-blind society. This means that a male-led prayer service such as those in Orthodox shuls have felt radically counter-cultural. But more recently backlashes have emerged that encourage re-emphasising gender differences. Feminism has provided society with a more level playing-field in many areas and has reduced abusive inequality (with more work still needed in this regard). But many now believe that it is more equitable to give women the space and respect to make their own life choices — whether or not these are along traditional gender lines.

If not influenced by their parents’ assumptions, the next generation of teens may be less critical and more open to an Orthodox synagogue’s counter-cultural experience. Perhaps they will be more able to appreciate alternative cultural expressions, being able to respect and accept it, valuing the richness and uniqueness of its heritage, without judgment.

As the cultural norms ebb and flow, I remain hopeful that a designated space for male-only leadership, such as a minyan, will again find its relevance, as the frustrations of gender-blind living accumulate. In our current climate, gender differences are so often dismissed or overlooked, our men are finding it increasingly difficult to find legitimate outlets for their masculinity. A minyan may provide them with a unique opportunity. Our children today are grappling with their Jewish identity from completely different angles. It is crucial not to make our battles into theirs.

Orthodox Jews live with an exotic mix of modern, ancient and divine. Our 21st-century society has progressed now to value difference and to appreciate the authenticity of a tradition that is retaining its millennia-old practices. It is time to stop being apologetic and ashamed of our synagogue set-up. Or at the very least, to not pass on critical assumptions to our children. If I could tell batmitzvah girls’ parents one message it would be this: don’t try to convince your daughters that Orthodox Judaism won’t make them feel equal, valuable or empowered. Perhaps it will. Turn off their wifi and let them see for themselves.

Chana Hughes is the Rebbetzin of Radlett United Synagogue and a family therapist