Relax. If, like me, you have put on weight during lockdown, fret not. In my defence, we were basically forced to stay at home all day, and carbs consumption in our household rocketed to previously unseen levels; every time I managed to get any flour, I was overwhelmed by a compulsion to bake — Madeira cake, chocolate chip cookies, macaroons, scones (three batches), sourdough bread, poppy seed rolls, shortbread, bara brith (I’m not even Welsh! There’s no excuse), homemade pizza… But it’s ok — the government has finally noticed that over 60 per cent of UK adults are overweight or obese, and is going to combat the obesity epidemic.
I hope you’re reassured by that. How fortunate we are that the brilliant brains who have steered the UK so ably through the pandemic thus far (our per capita death rate is second only to that of Belgium) are now turning their attention towards our waistlines.
Yes, just think how much progress we might make, assisted by the finely-honed strategic thinking and crystal-clear communications that have been such distinctive features of our politicians’ approach to the crisis. Why, we can probably get that paltry 60 per cent figure much closer to 100 per cent with a bit of effort.
Like Boris, I am 56 and overweight, but whereas Boris has lost weight since catching Covid-19, I have put on the pounds (and, really, I’ve barely had to try – it’s a gift). This means I have far greater experience in this field. Like the government, I have no qualms about offering advice where it may not be wanted. Nor will I let a trifling detail like not being a nutritionist stand in my way.
Use our simple daily meal plans to establish a healthier dietary regimen without the faff of having to weigh tiny portions or count calories. Remember to keep a daily food diary of everything you actually eat. That way, you’ll be able to monitor when you’ve deviated from your plan and adjust the next day accordingly. Use a smaller plate so that a modest portion looks generous! Try to drink eight glasses of water a day! Here is a sample meal plan and diary record, taken from my own— er… taken from an anonymous dieter.
MONDAY — PLAN
Breakfast: 2tbsp Greek yoghurt, 1 tsp runny honey, ½ cup chopped fresh fruit, eg strawberries, blueberries, etc.
Drink: Black tea or coffee. Water.
Lunch: ½ avocado lightly mashed on two slices rye crispbread, 1tbsp cottage cheese, small side-salad (no dressing).
Snack: Seven plain, unsalted almonds
Dinner: Small portion grilled or steamed salmon with green vegetable and two small new potatoes.
DIARY RECORD
Breakfast: yoghurt + honey (approx. 2 tbsp honey as tipped it from jar and couldn’t stop it) plus whole banana (no berries in fridge).
Drink: 3 mugs tea (with milk). Glass of water.
Second breakfast: 3 slices toast and jam. Tea.
Snack: Half a packet honey-roast cashews + 2 choc digestives to combat low blood-sugar. More tea.
Lunch: Avocado on toast (no crispbread left as forgot to buy last time and can’t face masked trip to supermarket). No salad as leaves all manky.
Mid-afternoon snack: Three cinnamon rugelach (no queue at bakery – hurrah!). Tea.
Dinner: Takeaway fish and chips (sick of cooking). Peas. Basically the same as diet plan.
Last thing at night: Seven glasses of water.
TUESDAY — PLAN
Breakfast: Porridge with a sprinkling of cinnamon and chopped fruit. Lemon tea. Water.
Lunch: ½ wholemeal pitta, 1tbsp houmous, raw carrot sticks
Snack: 2 rice cakes (unsalted)
Dinner: Plain sliced chicken breast, 1 cup watercress, 1tbsp cooked quinoa
DIARY RECORD
Breakfast: Cheerios. Toast. Half an apple (too boring to eat other half). Pot of tea. Water.
Second breakfast: Cheese on toast. Half a tomato (too cold as left toms in fridge by mistake). Spoonful of peanut butter straight from jar.
Lunch: Hummus, falafel, salad, tahini in whole pitta from Israeli take-away. Chips. Weird Israeli grapefruit drink.
Supper: Roast chicken, roast potatoes, veg, gravy. Choc mousse. Second portion of mousse as no space in fridge to house leftovers.
Last thing at night: Two Bendicks Bittermints. Seven glasses of water.
WEDNESDAY — DIARY
This is too hard. Had to get up twice in the night for a wee. Using smaller plate but then have to pile food up into a Vesuvius like mountain in order to fit it all on.
Thoughts during the day dominated by fantasies involving lying on mound of hot-buttered toast or having obedient males seductively offering me wedges of apple strudel. Sell stupid size 12 dress I bought online during lockdown on e-Bay. Dump bikini outside Jewish Care charity shop at midnight when no-one is looking (they’re still shut). Go home and cry. Eat packet of jaffa cakes. Feel much better.
Claire Calman is the author of bestseller ‘Love is a Four-Letter Word’. Her fifth novel, ‘Growing Up for Beginners’, is out now. @clairecalman
