How has America still not had a Jewish president?

Oh goody, another US presidential election campaign is well underway, an experience akin to major brain surgery without anaesthetic.

One of the many, many strange things about the American political system is that the campaign to be US president literally never ends. As soon as one election finishes, fundraisers begin for the next one.

It’s like constantly getting divorced when you’ve just got married again, and about as beneficial for everyone’s mental health.

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Doug Emhoff (Getty Images)

So as America is likely once again to face the choice between a nice but extremely doddery old man and one of the worst humans to have ever existed, I must ask, again, where are the Jews here?

How, almost 250 years after it was founded, has America still not had a Jewish president?

There have been eight Jewish Supreme Court justices, but the closest we’ve come to the Oval Office is Doug Emhoff, the Jewish husband of Vice President Kamala Harris.

And let’s be honest, that’s not very close at all.

Of course, antisemitism still exists in the US, as you’d expect of a country that is home to so many conspiracy theorists, a combination neatly embodied by current presidential candidate, Robert F Kennedy Jr, who is both a conspiracist and seemingly a nutjob antisemite, based on the comments he recently made at a press event in New York City.

Yet another equally loopy US politician, George Santos, lied that he was Jewish, which pretty much sums up the Jewish paradigm as seen by outsiders: we are aspirational, but maybe suspiciously so.

I’d still bet it would be easier to get a Jew elected than a woman — we just need to find the Jews who everyone loves.

So, to consolidate Jewish control of the world — I mean, finally get a Jewish president elected — here is my list of suggested Jewish candidates. Roll on, 2024! Make America Jewish At Last!

1. Mel Brooks
Pros: The first and most obvious choice. Everybody loves Mel Brooks! Imagine how great his speeches would be, and America deserves a better actor-slash-president than Ronald Reagan.

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Mel Brooks (Photo: Getty Images)

Cons: At 97, age might be an issue.

2. Rob Reiner
Pros: Once considered running for governor of California, AND he directed When Harry Met Sally. What other qualifications do you need? Also, as the director of A Few Good Men, he could shout “You can’t handle the truth!” at Donald Trump during debates, which would be awesome.

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Rob Reiner (Getty Images)

Cons: As a pretty active anti-Republican tweeter, it’s unlikely he’d bridge the partisan divide.

3. Bob Dylan
Pros: Would definitely get the boomer and hipster votes. Pro-peace, which is nice, right?

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Bob Dylan (Getty Images)

Cons: Hard to combine being president with being a recluse.

4. Frank Oz
Pros: One of the original Muppeteers who, along with Jim Henson, created The Muppet Show and Sesame Street. So, very good at dealing at chaos and characters with cotton for brains. Also, he was the voice for Star Wars favourite Yoda, proving he is the fount of all wisdom.

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Frank Oz (Photo: Getty Images)

Cons: Whatever cons there might be, and I genuinely can’t think of any, they would surely be cancelled out by America having a “President Oz”.

5. Judy Blume
Pros: Blume has been explaining menstruation, masturbation, divorce and death to adolescents in her books for half a century. So communicating with Republicans should be no problem.