Like many of you, I am still attempting to work out what went wrong with the England football team. We have top players, many of whom have played in Champions League finals, and a manager who has taken teams to the very top. So why aren't we in Sunday's World Cup final against Holland?

I went on the internet and typed in "Why did England fail at the World Cup?" expecting to read about poor tactics and overpaid, overhyped players.

However, it turns out that the real reasons for England's poor performance are far more sinister.

I didn't realise until I went online that Wayne Bridge's girlfriend was really a Mossad agent, whose job it was to subvert England's World Cup dream by any means possible.

It also seems the Israelis decided to use their global power to discredit the England football team and therefore the entire nation, because they had successfully predicted the formation of a coalition government hostile to Benjamin Netanyahu's administration.

Who knew that Wayne Bridge’s girlfriend was really an agent for Mossad?

Suddenly everything begins to make sense.

Also I did not know that the Jabulani ball, whose aerodynamic properties have been questioned by players and coaches alike, flies erratically mainly because it contains hidden cameras and microchips programmed by the Americans to steal the identities of every spectator at the World Cup.

This apparently enables the US to continue its war against Islam.

Actually, until I read this article, I didn't even have a clue that the ball was named after the famous Zionist revisionist, Ze'ev Jabotinsky.

Neither did I have any idea that Robert Green's father was a famous American neocon called Greenberg - or that Green himself has been in a CIA sleeper cell since his Norwich days.

In fact, I am beginning to believe that, given the obstacles put in England's way, they actually did rather well. I had no notion that the real England team had been kidnapped and held at a deserted airfield in the Nevada desert for the duration of the tournament.

And no-one in the mainstream press told us about how Jim Rosenthal had spiked Wayne Rooney's drink (or should that be Wayne Rooney's clone's drink) in the run-up to the Algeria game.

I thought that sounded pretty shocking but then again I had also not been told that the acronym Fifa actually stands for Free Israel From Arabs, and that Sepp Blatter is really Lord Lucan, or perhaps Shergar.

I should certainly have realised that Fabio Capello was a double agent - paid millions by the Italian FA to ensure that England never get to the latter stages of a major tournament again (although I get the impression they might be wasting their money there).

Of course there was much that
I did suspect and had confirmed
in my research. For example, we
all know that vuvuzelas are a Jewish plot to damage the ears of Muslims so that they cannot hear the call to prayer.

And I had already ascertained that if you replay Jermain Defoe's goal against Slovenia backwards, BBC commentator Guy Mowbray is really saying, "Paul McCartney is dead."

But some things were utterly ridiculous. I read a story that England defender Ashley Cole had been so unbothered about his team's sorry display that rather than hiding his head in shame at home, he had been spotted drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes at a LA nightclub.

If you believe that, you'll believe anything.