In the wake of the killing of Sarah Everard, many articles have encouraged parents to have open discussions and educate their sons about the importance of gaining consent in their intimate relationships.
Conversations like these are vital if we want to change the horrific pattern of male violence that has taken too many lives over the years. The problem is that consent is not the full path to healthy relationships; it is little more than the front garden gate.
When your children were two or three, you told them to say “please” and “thank you” in an age-appropriate, superficial way. “Say the magic word”, or “say ‘thank you for having me’ to Sammy or he won’t invite you to his house again”. We taught our children that polite words are necessary for reciprocity in relationships.
But we were under no illusion that we had taught them true appreciation. This would only develop with maturity, further conversations and experiences. To be genuinely thankful, they need to be taught the courage to be vulnerable, to depend on others, the value of hard work and the dignity and humility to be truly grateful. This all takes time, role modelling and much thoughtful discussion.
Similarly when it comes to consent. A young man acquiring consent is not just completing a “tick-box” exercise in order to enjoy guilt-free indulgence. It is not a formality to ensure political correctness or so that he won’t be caught out. Healthy intimacy involves so much more on every level than just mere consent.
I was privileged to be taught by Rabbi Mordechai Miller of blessed memory. He used to say that the Hebrew word for love — ahava — can be derived from a two-letter root meaning “to give”. A relationship can only be genuinely loving if partners are committed to giving to each other.
The same applies to intimate relationships. We need to teach our sons that for physical intimacy to be part of a healthy relationship, it needs to go hand-in-hand with emotional intimacy. The emphasis needs to move beyond pleasure-seeking towards pleasure-giving and how to be thoughtful, caring and sensitive in deeply personal ways.
We should encourage our sons to see the value in being accountable in relationships. Just as important as feeling attractive and desired is the responsibility to communicate, listen and respond so that making the other person happy becomes truly fulfilling.
Indeed, the word “consent” derives from the Latin “con” and “sentire”, meaning “feeling together”. Asking for consent should reflect a commitment to emotional collaboration rather than disparate interactions that are disconnected from the rest of the relationship.
Of course, this approach does not work if it is one-sided. When you focus on the other person, by definition you become vulnerable and are more likely to get hurt. Research has shown that it takes a healthy level of self-esteem to have the courage to make yourself vulnerable; many don’t feel confident enough to do anything other than protect their own needs. This can create a vicious cycle since those who are insecure become increasingly less able to put others’ needs before their own.
Healthy and trusting intimate relationships not only give us our sense of safety, worthiness and identity, they are key resources that contribute towards our emotional well-being. There is so much riding on making our relationships better and there is no better time to work hard to prioritise this message. To give healthy intimacy a chance to develop, both men and women must to commit to being responsible for the needs of their partner rather than competing to safeguard their own rights and personal gratification.
If we do not focus on deeper, more meaningful conversations about the nature of consent, our relationships will become self-serving and ultimately transactional. This risks de-humanising our loved ones. If young men only focus on what they can take from women, rather than what they can give to them, their understanding of intimacy has not matured beyond the basic reciprocity of toddler etiquette.
But our children deserve better. We can raise our expectations of intimate relationships so that they become so much more than consent-seeking. We need to expect more from our boys. Consent: it’s not just a magic word.
Chana Hughes is a family therapist and Rebbetzen of Radlett United Synagogue
