Have you been paying attention during the pandemic or have your attempts to keep up with the news resulted in information-overload, leaving you with all the fact-filtering savvy of a soggy Brussels sprout?
We had planned to offer you a festive quiz to lighten your hearts and bring much-needed joy after so many months of doom and gloom. But now, in a charmingly unexpected volte-face, we’ve scrapped that idea altogether. Instead, we bring you a miserable quiz, devoid of mince pies, mulled wine and merriment. Stay true to this year’s Christmas spirit while you take the quiz: sit in a room on your own, with no friends or family, with a lukewarm take-away and an extremely large glass of wine. Sobbing is optional.
1. How should you wear a mask for it to be effective in reducing transmission of the virus?
a) Just beneath my nose – I find it easier to breathe that way.
b) Dangling from one ear – it’s still adjacent to my face.
c) Completely covering my nose and mouth, as per official guidance.
d) I never wear one. No-one can infringe my inalienable right to be a selfish tosser.
2. Despite the government’s pledge to keep them open, schools all across the country are currently shut. Why?
a ) Teachers are especially at risk because they are exposed to so many people at once.
b) Children can’t follow ‘Hands – Face – Space’ correctly so present a greater risk of transmission.
c) It’s the Christmas holidays.
d) The government is secretly making everyone below the age of 18 run on treadmills as part of the Green Industrial Revolution.
3. Anti-vaxxer Kate Shemirani compared Covid restrictions to measures implemented by the Nazis. On Twitter, she reportedly asked when the public would wake up: “On the cattle truck? Or in the showers?” Before she was suspended, what was her job?
a) Donald Trump’s personal aide
b) Jeremy Corbyn’s social media adviser
c) A nurse
d) David Icke’s Chief Information officer
4. Over 16 million people are now in Tier 4 and cannot mix indoors with another household at all. But how many people are currently in Tier 5?
a) Less than 1 million
b) More than 10 million
c) None. There is no Tier 5 (yet).
d) Less than 100 - Only the street where Andy Burnham lives in Warrington, Cheshire, is in Tier 5 as Boris wants to punish him.
5. The Scottish Parliament has ruled that English travellers should not cross the border into Scotland, but how will this be enforced?
a) A wall constructed from stacks of unwanted haggis* will be placed along the border.
b) Bagpipe music will be broadcast loudly at any unmanned crossing points to repel the English.
c) It won’t be. They’re just as under-resourced as the English police.
d) Nicola Sturgeon is going to run up and down the border, shouting, ‘Bring on the Second Referendum!’
6. We’re all familiar with the Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies (SAGE), but which of the following committees is also currently advising the government?
a) Bio-tech Office for Research and Independent Statistics (BORIS)
b) Worldwide Health Information on Track and Trace Yield (WHITTY)
c) New and Emerging Respiratory Virus Threats Advisory Group (NERVTAG)
d) Forensic Advisory Universal Care Institute (FAUCI)
7. Boris enjoys a colourful turn of phrase as much as the next person (or possibly way, way more than the next person). Which of the following phrases did he say in 2020?
a) ‘We’ve got to hold our nerve now, see if we can get another goal and nick it.’
b) ‘Tis the season to be jolly miserable’
c) ‘….help us to delay and flatten the peaks, squash that sombrero.’
d) ‘A job! A job! My kingdom for a new job!’
8.In the midst of such a serious worldwide crisis, sometimes the pangs of Brexit get forgotten about. What, at time of going to press, seems to be the key sticking point?
a) The VW emissions scandal, which is making the UK threaten to ban imports of German cars.
b) Failure of French border authorities to prevent migrants crossing the Channel to England.
c) EU fishing quotas in UK waters.
d) Emmanuel Macron hates us.
Answers – Which Festive Treat are You?
Mostly ‘a’s – Flat Fizz: Well, you’re probably making some sort of effort but need to pay much closer attention to the news.
Mostly ‘b’s: Soggy sprout: Oh dear. Probably best if you don’t bother with the news and just stick to reruns of Death in Paradise.
Mostly ‘c’s: Corona-Cracker: Mazeltov! You have managed to keep abreast of the endlessly changing news. You are a true pandemic-nerd (just like me). Down side: You are almost certainly a nightmare to live with (just like me).
Mostly ‘d’s: Mouldy Mince-Pie: You clearly have no clue whatsoever. Down side: you are barely fit for purpose as a member of decent society. Up side: you are ideally suited to becoming a Cabinet Minister. Look out for vacancies in the New Year!
*All haggis is, of course, unwanted.
Claire Calman’s novel, Growing Up for Beginners, recommended by epidemiologists everywhere, is out now.
