As to your specific questions; the more significant of the two concerns your Jewish status. Unfortunately, I have to inform you that as your mother was not Jewish, neither are you. I realise this may sound brutal but it is also honest and I think you deserve some honesty at this point.
I cannot detect from your question just how observant of Judaism you are. If you practised Judaism all your life, you should find it relatively easy to convert. The most time-consuming aspect of the conversion process is absorbing the rhythm of Jewish life and practice. If you are already familiar and comfortable with Jewish observance and committed to it as well, a Beth Din may decide to convert you almost immediately. If however your knowledge of and commitment to Jewish practice is lacking, then it will require a significantly longer journey towards conversion.
Regarding the headstone, I would avoid any Hebrew words, dates or phrases. Instead I would just engrave her English name and her dates of birth and death. Living a lie is bad enough. The last thing you want to do is to perpetuate that lie even indirectly by engraving the kind of wording that might in any way indicate to future generations that your mother was Jewish.
On a personal note, I wish you success in whatever path you choose to take. You can not change the past but you can ensure that the future is shaped by honesty, clarity and truth.
 | Rabbi Jonathan Romain Jonathan Romain is rabbi at Maidenhead (Reform) Synagogue. |
The first question is, why did she hide her non-Jewish status? That also applies to your father, who colluded in the pretence. Presumably she wanted to be Jewish, but had been unable to convert (whether it was because there was no facilities at the time, or because she was rejected by the rabbinate, or because she felt it might hurt her own parents).
The exact cause is irrelevant beside the fact that she clearly supported her Jewish husband, ran a Jewish home and brought up her children as Jewish. Your surprise (and perhaps anger) at her cover-up should be mitigated by the way she actually led the vast majority of her life. She may never have had a certificate to register her change of status, but she clearly earned it over several decades.
As for your status: technically you are not Jewish. However, any rabbinic court with an ounce of commonsense and compassion (which are important Jewish values) would instantly recognise that whatever the technical irregularities, your identity and lifestyle have been Jewish since birth.
Certainly that would be the view of Progressive synagogues. The Reform Beth Din would consider it insulting to ask you to convert, as if you had just been introduced to Judaism for the very first time. Instead, following an interview, it would issue a document regularising your status. The Liberals would anyway recognise someone as Jewish who had one Jewish parent and a Jewish upbringing.
The headstone itself needs no special wording different from what you may have originally intended. Its purpose is to mark her resting place; it should also record details of her life (name and dates), along with any expressions of affection or admiration by those who mourn her.
It should also be stated that there should be no question of moving her body. There is talmudic precedent for non-Jews (if that is what she is) being buried in a Jewish cemetery, while it would be desperately unkind to separate her from her husband. Let them lie side by side, in death as in life.
Presumably the reason both your parents never revealed the truth was because, by that stage, they felt it might undermine your confidence or self-perception. Try to forgive them. They should have sorted out the paperwork long ago, but their strongest legacy is that they wanted you to value your Judaism.
