“And Esau said: ‘Let us start on our journey and I will proceed at your pace’. But he [Jacob] said to him: ‘Let my master proceed ahead of his servant, and I will move slowly... according to the pace of the children’” Genesis 33:13-14
December 9, 2022 11:13
There is a moment of incredible pathos in this week’s parashah. A decade’s long conflict between two brothers reaches a crescendo as Jacob and Esau see each other for the first time since Jacob’s fateful deception.
Jacob prepares for the worst; yet instead of blood there are tears, in place of conflict there is reconciliation. At the conclusion of their meeting Esau offers to reduce his usual pace and journey alongside Jacob. This seems like an idyllic conclusion to the episode. Two brothers reunited and travelling towards a common destination.
However, Jacob resists Esau’s offer and insists that he must travel “slowly” based on the needs of his cattle and children. Esau proceeds ahead and the brothers part ways.
Why does Jacob reject Esau’s offer? The midrashim write extensively about the spiritual threat that travelling with Esau would have posed to Jacob and his family. Those answers assume deep subtext that paints a darker picture of the episode. Leaving those to one side, on the level of p’shat, the straightforward reading of the text, there is a huge amount for us to learn from Jacob’s response.
Jacob demonstrates a deep self-awareness. We all take on board expectations of others. Even when they claim to “go at our pace”, we feel the pressure to “keep up” with the achievements and milestones of those around us. Sometimes this is motivating and inspiring, oftentimes it is debilitating and anxiety-inducing.
Carl Rogers, the eminent psychologist and founder of person-centred therapy, emphasises that a core part of being our fullest selves is listening to the physical and emotional cues the stem from within us. As we grow and are shaped by our environment, we tend to lose track of those cues.
A significant part of the therapeutic growth is “re-learning” how to trust our instincts and move from external sources of validation to internal ones. Jacob understood that and remained resolute in his desire to move “according to the work that is before me”.
Crucially, he wanted to pass that message on to his children, to ensure that they developed at their own pace without the need to “keep up” for the sake of others. In a fast-paced and ambitious world, we can derive a lot from Jacob’s response and perhaps feel strength rather than weakness when saying “I will move slowly”.