Abraham starts his journey at the age of 75. He spends years travelling between countries and is promised by God that he will have offspring. After many years, this promise remains unfulfilled.

Abraham and Sarah are still childless. Abraham seems to resign himself to the fate he will “die childless” (Genesis 15:3), yet God reassures him he will have offspring as “numerous as the stars in the sky”.

It is after this event that Sarah has a deeply troubling realisation. Perhaps God is promising Abraham will have children, but not with her. She bravely suggests Abraham try to conceive a child with her maidservant Hagar. She uses the phrase “perhaps I will be built through her”.

The Hebrew word used for “built” has the same root as the word “son”. The commentators point this out. Apart from obviously bringing a child to the house and providing her husband with something he has longed for, she also hopes that through the merit of doing this action, her luck will change and she will also be blessed with children.

As a psychologist, I sometimes work with couples struggling with infertility. One of the hardest stages couples deal with is grieving for their hopes and expectations of what life “should have been”. This can lead to them feeling helpless, stuck and in despair.

However, progress rarely comes from a place of helplessness. Sometimes, when a couple comes to accept that there are other ways to achieve their dream, or indeed new dreams of what they can achieve together, they find there is space to take proactive steps to gain control of their story.

We all experience dashed dreams and lost hopes. For as long as we hold on to our unfulfilled expectations, we feel despair and become victim to our circumstances. Sarah shows us a pathway out of this. Sometimes we have to let go of our ideal vision. There are things outside our control. It is on us to decide what comes next. How do we respond and take action to open up the chance to be “built up” another way?

Sarah’s story also teaches us that creating a pathway for a different alternative now doesn’t mean giving up on our dreams altogether. Not even Sarah could have hoped that 14 years later she would have a child of her own.