There is a lot of misogynistic language in Ki Tetzei, starting with the distasteful scenario of the “beautiful captive” and the Israelite captor who desires her (21:10-14), swiftly followed by the laws pertaining to the “hated” wife in a polygamous household (21:15-17).
The language used to discuss marriage is frequently aggressive. Marriage comes about when a man “takes a wife” (22:13, 24:1,5). Sometimes it is even violent: “If a man comes upon a virgin… and he seizes her and lies with her” (22:28).
A husband tries to escape a marriage by claiming that his bride is not a virgin (22:14). Rape results in the victim marrying her rapist (22:28). Divorce is initiated by a husband finding something distasteful in his wife (22:13 and 24:1).
The cases discussed are all dysfunctional: a married woman committing adultery (22:22), an engaged virgin having unlawful sex with another man (22:23, 28), the forbidden remarriage between a man and his divorced ex-wife (24:1-4), levirate marriage where a husband has died childless (25:5-10). It’s all rather bleak, although arguably untroubled marriages do not require legislation, which is why they don’t feature.
Every other mention of women is damning too, from depictions of female sexuality (cult prostitutes! 23:18), through the Prophetess Miriam (remembered for being punished with leprosy, 24:9), to the woman who — defending her husband — grabs the genitals of his antagonist and is punished by having her hand cut off (25:11-12).
Among all of these there is one ray of sunshine! The law exempting a man from going to war in the first year of his marriage. Here is the only place where marriage is seen as a positive, the home as the alternative to the battle front. A husband is required to stay at home so as “to give happiness to the woman he has married” (24:5).
Once again, what is stressed is the agency wielded by the husband. Rashi (quoting Targum Onkelos) notices that the Torah states not that a husband should rejoice with his wife, but rather that he should gladden her.
Since the husband is the more powerful party in the marital relationship, let him at least use his power for good, to make his wife happy, so that they may enjoy a functional and harmonious relationship.
