“What did Hulk say to the Chanukiah?” 

“SHaMASH!!”

Get it? Because the shamash is the candle you use to light the other candles on the Hanukkiah right? And Hulk? Hulk says smash, a lot. Sooooo. Yeah, I just put them together to create the perfect Hanaukkah joke. You’re welcome.  

Hey, I looked up Chanukah jokes and I’m telling you, it’s pretty slim pickings out there. It’s just that, before I write what I’m about to write, I want you to know that having originated one of the best EVER Chanukah jokes thus ensuring my legacy within our community, significant personal investment’s at stake here. So, as much as it pains me to say it, in the Howie house, Christmas has won.

Poor ol’ Chanukah never had a chance. The whole "oil lasting a bit longer", just wasn’t fit for purpose against that ultimate agent of Christendom, Santa. I might feel overwhelming relief when my car’s on empty and crawls into the service station, I might even call it a miracle, but I can’t pretend I wouldn’t prefer a tow from Santa’s sledge. Christmas mocks us with a Ho Ho Chanukah.

And I’ve fought the good fight this last decade; after the phrase “I want it for Christmas” I’ve inserted Chanukah” until it’s become an involuntary tic; “Christmas”, “You mean Chanukah”, “Christm…”, “Chanukah”, “Chris…”, “Chanukah! Oh your name’s Chris.” I’ve successfully swerved around getting a tree by overstating my environmental concerns, even though to keep the facade going the rest of the year I’m relegated to enforcing the food waste bin. I could win an Oscar for my efforts pretending that spinning a dreidel is actually really fun. Yet, more and more, these are but gestures of protest in the onslaught of tinsel and movies and songs. As much as we might try and bulk up Chanukah by getting it to eat its latkes, against the ubiquity of Christmas, David’s slingshots deflect harmlessly off Goliath’s Santa-hatted noggin.

Oh how our enemies must be kicking themselves. How after multiple millennia of states, empires and individuals trying to wipe us out, and our outlasting of them all - the Romans, the Inquisition, the Reich - to remain a coherent thriving people, and the whole time all they had to do was get a diabetic man in a red dressing gown to chuck playstations at our children. In guiding Judaism’s ability to adapt in an ever changing world, our greatest forebears, from Philo to Maimonides to Nachmanides, never wrote a commentary about coping with five kids pestering you with their Christmas present lists from July.

"Just give them the presents during Chanukah, they’ll be so satisfied they won’t even notice Christmas." HA! Once more for emphasis. HA! As you trudge off to fight for the toy scraps of Christmas eve, because the children can’t understand why Santa doesn’t like them.

No, it’s not just the presents, and it’s not just the Jews who are helpless. In China you’ve got postmen dressing up as Santa, in Bangladesh shops are decorated with fake snow and Christmas trees. It’s the myth of Santa that’s the problem, its popularity cascading and obscuring the religion it originated from. Which we know a little about ourselves.
I may be at the more progressive end of our religious spectrum, but I don’t believe even the Charedi are fully capable of cutting awareness of Santa from their lives, There’s no chimney he can’t squeeze his bulk down, no home he can’t infiltrate. Accordingly, I submit that Judaism’s response, whilst previously valiant, must change. We must stop trying to beat Christmas at its own game, stop using Chanukah as a bulwark. Gelt will not save us. Sufganiyot with not save us. The Chanukah Armadillo will not save us.

Compromise is also not the answer. I’m looking at you Chrismukkah. What I’m proposing, is full capitulation. Chanukah returning to its status as a minor festival, a snack in the lead up to the turkey, as we charge full steam into Santa’s bear-like hug. But we won’t let Christmas convert us, instead, like a trojan horse, we have to Jew-up Christmas. Tree? Get a massive one! Offset by planting a tree in Israel. Decorations? Wow, what a beautiful Star of David at the top.

As for Santa, why are you leaving out cookies? Everyone knows his favourite food is actually doughnuts. And milk, as long as its been six hours.
Wait, look at Santa’s profile as he passes an etching of one of the great Rebbes. That beard, what a remarkable resemblance. Isn’t Claus from the Yiddish ‘Kloyz' meaning ‘a small synagogue’?
And maybe it’s even time for a small outfit update? Santa went from green to red because of Coca Cola, how about we try, I don’t know, blue? Blue would look fantastic with all that white trimming and beard. Blue and white, special colours. Those Maccabees knew a little something about playing the long game. It’ll be a Chanukah miracle.