Family & Education
'I am so grateful to have had a second chance at a barmitzvah'
Ivan Prever’s original barmitzvah began in tragedy, but, 70 years later, his coming of age was a day of sunshine and celebrations....
November 29, 2018 16:05
Ivan Prever’s original barmitzvah began in tragedy, but, 70 years later, his coming of age was a day of sunshine and celebrations....
November 29, 2018 16:05Ivan Prever’s first barmitzvah was a sad occasion.
“I only said my portion in shul (St Margaret’s Road, Edgware) with a few people and then went straight home,” he says. “Tragically, when she was just 35 and nine months, my mother passed away, three months before my special weekend and there was no celebration, as my father and younger brother Malcolm (aged 10 at the time) and I were still in mourning. We went to shul to say kaddish every morning before school. I still remember how I felt at the time; it just stays with you even after all these years.”
So when Ivan was in his 80s, he and his children started to think about a second barmitzvah.
“When our dad turned 80 and we made him a big party, I knew in my mind if we were lucky enough to have him at 83 I was going to organise a second batmizvah, especially knowing the pain and grief he had been through at his first one,” says Marcia.
“I discussed it with my brother Danny and his wife Janine and my husband Clive. We all were enthusiastic about it and six months before, I spoke to the shul office about booking in the date. We decided we wanted a big lunch at home and I organised food with the caterer, Tracy Rosenthal, as I really wanted to be present and enjoy the day and not have to worry about food.
“My sister-in-law and I organised balloons, flowers and table decorations; she made a beautiful cake and we did everything you would do for a first barmitzvah, she even did a table plan and place cards. We wanted him to have the full experience.”
“Clive decided he would learn and say the portion instead of me,” says Ivan, “as I was too nervous and, as I am disabled, would have been unable to stand for long.
“I was so anxious and nervous as the day approached and was even wondering why I had let everyone convince me to do this. But on the day I was excited. I felt so proud and emotional at the bimah, watching my son-in-law read for me and thinking about my life from aged 13 to now at 83 and how I had felt then and how I feel now.”
However, the most important things to Ivan were “seeing the faces of my wife, children and grandchildren in the shul and feeling so blessed to be able to have this amazing milestone in my life with them surrounding me”.
The service was at Barnet Synagogue. Rabbi Barry Lerer spoke to Ivan a week before the big day.
“We talked about my life,” says Ivan. “He spoke such beautiful words after the service, which made me feel so emotional and the whole congregation were so kind and supportive of me and put me at ease, so that I really enjoyed the whole morning. I was presented with a certificate and a lovely book from the rabbi, which I will truly treasure.”
“I was worried we had pushed him into it,” says Marcia. “But the whole day went so smoothly and even the sun shone. Ivan smiled at me across the shul at one point and I knew he was happy we had done it. I was so proud to hear my husband saying my dad’s portion and to see my brother, dad, and husband at the bimah. How privileged I felt.
“When the rabbi spoke about my dad’s life and sadness at 13, we all cried but as the rabbi finished, my dad shouted out: ‘I can feel the love in this room, thank you everyone,’ and we all just burst out laughing.
“I was thinking to myself that I hoped my dad’s mother could see him now and see what a wonderful man he is and how from him there is me and my brother and five grandchildren and two lovely boyfriends.”
There was a kiddush for the congregation and family and friends who had come. Then the family went back to Marcia’s house for champagne in the garden and lunch.
“I felt very special,” says Ivan. He wore a blue suit and tie and Marcia provided blue kippot for all the men in the family.
“The best part of my whole day,” he says, “was sitting around after lunch and watching my grandchildren and brother Malcolm and my family and our close friends and thinking how I would treasure this moment in my life forever and what a lucky man I was.
“I felt sad missing close family and friends who were no longer with us though.
“During the lunch, each of my grandchildren made a speech to me, including my grandson Toby (via a video email as he is studying in Hong Kong).
“My son and daughter both made speeches and my son-in-law.
“It was then my turn. I was very choked with emotion and tears flowed but I was able to tell them all how I felt and how happy this day had made me and how much I loved them all.
“Sadly I thought about my first barmitvah at 13 and realised I made no speech then, as there was no party and as it was 1948 we had no camera, so there are no photographic memories.
“But the second barmitzvah day in the end was absolutely wonderful, with lots of hugs and kisses from my grandchildren. My daughter-in-law took pictures of us all in the garden, which I will treasure.”
“The lunch was so special,” agrees Marcia, “hearing each grandchild tell my dad how they felt about him and what affect he has had on their lives and the impact he has had on each of them — they all adore him.
“ When it was my time to speak, I was really emotional, but so proud to be able to say such lovely things about this special man.
“The worst thing about the day was when it was over — saying goodbye to everyone — but we all agreed it was the most wonderful occasion and incredibly special and something none of us will ever forget.”
Evelyn and Ivan have been married for 61 years and feel “so grateful and blessed to have such wonderful children and their spouses and close family and loving grandchildren.
“We are all really close and get together whenever we can. Our life has been a series of ups and downs like everyone, but you cope, get through it together and count your blessings.
“I am so grateful to have reached this age and been able to have another chance at having a barmitzvah — and this time it was a happy event.”
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