“What type of a Jew are you?” One of the questions that strikes fear into the hearts of many.

I have seen friends shrug and refuse to answer, while others go into confessional detail about their behaviours both ‘in’ and ‘out’ of the home. Depending on the Jewish familiarity of the listener, we painstakingly place ourselves on a spectrum: Yanky from ‘Unorthodox’ on one side and Christopher Hitchens on the other.

We are frummer than the Goldbergs, but nowhere near as frum as the Cohens. My bubbah made home-made chicken soup every Shabbos, but we usually do without or, sometimes, we buy the vegetarian version.

As Jews, we are always trying to position ourselves and more often than not, it’s through a narrative of negative identity. Of course, it is only natural, at times, to define ourselves by who we’re not. We all have to develop a sense of where others end and we begin.

But perhaps this method of identity formation has become more prevalent in our Jewish communities. We are a historically nomadic people. As we have moved from one strange land to another, we have needed to re-orientate ourselves in relation to those around us. Perhaps negative identity formation has become a kind of cultural GPS. 

I find a similar pattern when it comes to focusing on our historic persecution. It is true that, when describing our heritage, we cannot avoid horrific stories of oppression and torture.

But I find it puzzling when these stories become uniquely definitional of our Jewish cultural identity. We have so many reasons for practicing our faith; why focus on those motivated by fear? There are so many activities that Jews have performed over the years; why emphasise fleeing and hiding? Do we have to be defined by those who have hated us? Perhaps this method of identity formation has become a survival tool to enable us to give retrospective meaning to our suffering.

Throughout my experience as a family therapist, I have noticed that the majority of those who develop racist attitudes have one thing in common. They do not have enough of a positive identity and so have to rely on belittling others to define themselves. This is not just a case of low self-esteem; this particular presentation leads to critical or dismissive behaviour of an entire social group.

Given recent events, we are all searching for ways to inculcate more tolerance and inclusivity into our children and our communities. Here is one important method. Racism and intolerance fill a vacuum of positive identity. If you want your children to love others, teach them what they and their family stand for. If you want them to be kind, teach them the values of their heritage. We know what others have died for in the past. Today we have to remember what each of us are living for.

And don’t forget to pass on that recipe for your bubbah's  chicken soup and make it with your family with pride.