Never mind leave or remain, lockdown or herd immunity, mask or no mask. The real divisive issue at the moment is Heard or Depp. Although many of us can hardly bring ourselves to watch the obnoxious mud-throwing between two entitled celebrities, the pull to choose a side is tangible. Even for mildly interested spectators, it is disorientating how polarised the stories have become. Both describe the same interaction with completely opposite or seemingly unrelated interpretations. Just listening to both accounts is enough to drive you crazy trying to figure out which account is true.
Although my clients are not as high profile, I am used to the dizzying tos and fros of couple therapy. Commonly, there arises a see-saw feeling in which you feel yourself pulled to agree with either one side or the other. I can often sense the desperation both partners independently feel for me to acknowledge their side and/or disregard the other’s. I’m asked to make an alliance with one that, by its very formation, alienates the other. There is little room for safe ground in the middle.
Relatives and friends of recently separated couples will be familiar with this feeling. Will you invite him to the wedding or her? If you go to her party will he be upset? If you confide in him will she find out and give you the cold shoulder?
This experience of having to choose one side over another is particularly challenging for children whose parents have separated. Children naturally yearn for (and deserve) a connection with both parents and the feeling of being forced to choose between them is painful and confusing. Children often become overwhelmed with the high levels of emotional energy it takes to navigate the balance of keeping both parents happy at the same time. This is a highly complex task that is beyond most children’s developmental abilities. If this pressure is continually required, it is often the catalyst of deteriorating mental health in young people and can sometimes even turn into a long-term mental illness.
