Never mind leave or remain, lockdown or herd immunity, mask or no mask. The real divisive issue at the moment is Heard or Depp. Although many of us can hardly bring ourselves to watch the obnoxious mud-throwing between two entitled celebrities, the pull to choose a side is tangible. Even for mildly interested spectators, it is disorientating how polarised the stories have become. Both describe the same interaction with completely opposite or seemingly unrelated interpretations. Just listening to both accounts is enough to drive you crazy trying to figure out which account is true.

Although my clients are not as high profile, I am used to the dizzying tos and fros of couple therapy. Commonly, there arises a see-saw feeling in which you feel yourself pulled to agree with either one side or the other. I can often sense the desperation both partners independently feel for me to acknowledge their side and/or disregard the other’s. I’m asked to make an alliance with one that, by its very formation, alienates the other. There is little room for safe ground in the middle.

Relatives and friends of recently separated couples will be familiar with this feeling. Will you invite him to the wedding or her? If you go to her party will he be upset? If you confide in him will she find out and give you the cold shoulder?

This experience of having to choose one side over another is particularly challenging for children whose parents have separated. Children naturally yearn for (and deserve) a connection with both parents and the feeling of being forced to choose between them is painful and confusing. Children often become overwhelmed with the high levels of emotional energy it takes to navigate the balance of keeping both parents happy at the same time. This is a  highly complex task that is beyond most children’s developmental abilities. If this pressure is continually required, it is often the catalyst of deteriorating mental health in young people and can sometimes even turn into a long-term mental illness.

Heard and Depp have a (very expensive) point to prove, which may be why their stories have become so acutely polarised. It seems that it has almost become dangerous for them to agree with each other or to admit that the other one may be right in any area. The longer they fight, the more opportunities to agree are refused and denied. The gap between them grows wider still making it more painful and confusing for all those involved. The only winners are the lawyers.

This challenge of balancing an emotional see-saw arises much more broadly and frequently than many people realise, not just with couples who are physically separating. Opposite emotions can bubble up in any situation that feel impossible to reconcile. Do I love my father, or do I feel ashamed by his behaviour? Do I hate my ex, or do I miss being with them? Do I feel deeply upset when someone close to me has passed, or do I feel relieved that the pain is over? Locating two opposite extreme feelings and giving permission to feel both of them simultaneously is part of many therapy sessions and offers deep relief when achieved effectively. Emotions are not logical and rarely make sense so feeling opposite ones at the same time is actually completely normal. It’s when we fight these feelings or those around us don’t give permission to hold the contradiction of feeling opposite emotions that we feel torn between them and can’t find inner calm.

When couples separate there is bound to be strong differences that pull in different directions. It takes the couple themselves and all those involved to work hard to create space for both narratives to co-exist and to minimise the difficult see-saw experience wherever possible. Even with the smallest of interactions. If the priority is giving others the space to connect with both partners rather than winning people over to one side or the other, everyone’s relationship improves and tension is reduced. It takes time and hard work, but I have seen many examples of how worthwhile all the effort is.

So, Heard and Depp? I don’t envy the judge who had to make a judgement on the polarised relics of their unhealthy relationship. If it was up to me I’d order them both to give their $50 million to Ukrainian refugees and spend the rest of their lives in community service.

That would put everyone’s minds at rest.