Don’t shame mums for using phones

“The poster is all manner of sanctimony” said one reply. “When you’ve got a baby cluster-feeding for hours it tends to get a little boring,” wrote another.

Some helpful mathematical context was also introduced to the argument. “If my baby feeds ten times a day for 45-60 minutes, must I gaze at him the entire time to ensure that he develops appropriately? What about my neighbour, whose baby feeds six times a day for four minutes per side?”

The hospital defended the poster, saying in a statement that it was meant only for mothers in the special care unit — those with exceptional circumstances. “Being separated from your baby is very difficult for many of our new mums and our advice is all about encouraging bonding as well as strengthening milk flow.”

I first downloaded the Facebook app on to my phone in the hospital after having my first child. I was in hospital for a week, sometimes on my own, usually feeding or trying to feed, and so the convenience of a bit of company and entertainment appealed. It also made it easier to reply to messages wishing me mazeltov.

I was lucky. Although we were kept in hospital, I had my daughter with me the whole time and we weren’t on the special care ward. I am also not a doctor or a midwife and am sure the intentions behind this poster were good, as well as being medically correct. However, my experience as a first-time mother, stuck in hospital with a premature baby who struggled to feed (scary, stressful, exhausting) is that actually, you need to look at your phone every now and then. New parents spend a lot of time staring at their baby, whether or not they have medical issues, and newborns don’t make the best company.

Smartphones are a boon for the new mum army, sitting in solitude with a baby attached to bottle or a boob. It takes you out of your loneliness, and the first few months of new motherhood can be a very lonely and, yes, boring place.

I had my son this July so the second half of 2019 was pretty Instagram heavy. All those late night and early morning feeds where my sleep-deprived brain and body could do nothing more than scroll through endless pictures using a single thumb. A few months in though, when I was getting a bit more sleep, had a slightly longer concentration span and was really bored by Instagram, I used my phone to read a book (a real luxury for a new mum and an activity that made me feel like me again). Other uses included reading the paper, checking emails, doing the Tesco shop, Amazon Priming essential bits of baby kit, listening to a podcast, or Googling sleep-training or how to swaddle a newborn. Anything to keep awake, and sane.

The problem with the poster, despite its good intentions, is that it does shame mothers. It implies that a woman looking at her phone is not thinking about her child, when in fact, the opposite is probably true. We spend so much time thinking about our children that when we have second of down-time (even if that time is spent caring for our child) we deserve to do something that reminds us we are people as well as mothers. And if that involves our phone, we don’t need to be patronised by a poster — however well-meaning.