Family & Education
Ask Hilary: Is our son too frum for us?
Hilary Freeman answers readers' problems.
May 3, 2017 14:08
Hilary Freeman answers readers' problems.
May 3, 2017 14:08Q We raised our three children in a Reform synagogue, but around nine months ago our eldest son started becoming more interested in Orthodox Judaism. Eventually, he went off to Israel to study with one of the organisations there. I’m very concerned because, while I respect the choices my son makes, I feel as if he is going to come back and make religious demands on me and the family, which we will be unwilling to accommodate. What should I do?
A This is an issue I can relate to. Although I am no longer religious, as an idealistic teenager — with all the confidence and assuredness of youth — I felt that my United Synagogue-attending, semi-observant parents were hypocrites. For me, religion was black and white, all or nothing. So, for a short while, I became very frum, refusing to tear toilet paper on Shabbat etc. Some would call this the ultimate teenage rebellion: something that made life difficult for my parents but which they could not criticise. After all, I was doing exactly as they had taught me to do, only more so.
You’re in a similar situation. You have brought your son up as a Jew, so you can hardly criticise him for taking an interest in his Judaism. He’s young — he’s exploring the world, learning about himself, finding his way. While Reform Judaism suits you, it might not be for him, at least for now. Religious observance is a deeply personal thing, and his beliefs and level of observance are his to decide. But he also has to understand that he can’t impose his views on his family, just as you need to understand that you can’t impose yours on him. While it would be wrong for you to do anything that makes him contravene his beliefs (expecting him to eat non-kosher food, for example), he cannot expect you to change the way you live. You say you respect his choices. Well, this is about mutual respect.
But, if I may say, you’re worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet. You don’t know that he’s going to make religious demands on you. You need to discuss your concerns with him. He is old enough to understand that people make individual choices.
It may be that you agree it’s time for him to move out, or there may be a way to compromise. Don’t assume anything until you’ve talked to him.
Q My relationship with my husband is coming under increasing strain from his daughter. Her mother died when she was a toddler and she was six when I married her dad. I’ve never tried to replace her mum, and we always got on OK as friends, but since she turned 13 she’s become increasingly hard work. Sometimes her behaviour is so bad she frightens me. Her dad dismisses it as a phase. I know being a teen is hard but all her anger is directed at me, and I think there’s more to this than teen angst. I can’t cope.
A Bringing up a child who isn’t your own is not easy, particularly when they hit puberty. It doesn’t sound like your husband is being particularly supportive. Dismissing her behaviour as “just a phase” isn’t helping anybody. You need to make it clear to him that, even though you aren’t her mother, you deserve the same respect that she shows him. He needs to stand up for you and not allow her to get away with being horrible to you. And he needs to be the one to discipline her, or you really will become the wicked stepmother in her eyes. If you don’t present a united front, you could end up sacrificing your marriage.
You say you think this is more deep-rooted than teenage angst, and I’m sure you’re right. Her mum died when she was very little, so you’re the only mum she’s ever properly known. Maybe what she really wants — or at least needs — is a mum, and not a friend? Perhaps she needs love and affection from you. Do you love her? You refer to her as your husband’s daughter, which suggests that you feel detached from her. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if part of the problem is that you’re a bit ambivalent. She can probably sense this, and it must feel like rejection.
You need to try to build a closer relationship. Could you offer to take her out shopping, or somewhere else she’d like? Improving your relationship won’t happen overnight, but this, combined with your husband’s support, really could make a difference. For support, call the Family Lives helpline on 0808 800 2222.
Email Hilary: agony@thejc.com or write to her at The Jewish Chronicle, 28 St. Albans Lane, London, NW11 7QE United Kingdom
