Q I have never got on very well with my mother-in-law. We have nothing in common apart from my husband and we’ve always tolerated each other, at best.

But since we’ve had children, things have got worse. She is ridiculously traditional — sexist, actually — with our two daughters. She buys them Barbie dolls and lots of pink, which I hate, and if my younger daughter shows any signs of interest in things my mother-in-law considers boyish — like cars or trains — she tries to put my daughter off them.


I want my daughters to be feminists like me and to grow up to do whatever they want. What can I do? I don’t want to have a huge argument.

A While they may be beloved of misogynistic 1970s comedians, those mother-in-law jokes — like all such well-known tropes — didn’t come out of nowhere. The truth is that not getting on with one’s mother-in-law is an extremely common problem, particularly if, as it sounds in your case, there are two strong, clashing personalities at play, as well as differences in values.

It’s probable that from the moment she met you (if not before), your mother-in-law decided that you didn’t measure up to her ideal for her son’s partner or her future grandchildren’s mother. It’s likely nobody ever could have done. Doubtless, she’d like your husband to be with a younger clone of herself, and to carry on living in exactly the way that she brought him up. She’d like you to bring up your children that way too, according to her own philosophy.

There are two interconnected issues here: her relationship with you, and what you perceive as her anti-feminist ideals, which you believe she is imposing on your daughters by giving them pink everything, encouraging them to play with Barbie dolls and discouraging them from “boyish” pursuits. 
To address the latter first, experts disagree on whether too much emphasis on gender roles is harmful, but there’s really no evidence that playing with Barbie dolls or dressing in pink (which historically was actually a boy’s colour) will make your daughters grow up to be anti-feminists, or shallow, weak, compliant women. There are many diverse influences in a child’s life — parents, peers, environment, biology — and overexposure to pink won’t override all the others. It’s all a question of balance.

Bear in mind that your daughters — whom you want to grow to be “strong women” — should also have a say here. If all their friends play with Barbie dolls, they will probably want to as well. And they might actually like the colour pink. The chances are they will grow out of both interests. Are you sure you aren’t imposing your views a little too strongly? Maybe they are asking their grandma for these gifts, with which she is only too happy to oblige them.

Nevertheless, your daughters are your offspring and your mother-in-law has no right to go against your wishes on this, or any other, issue. If she is aware of your feelings — and presumably you’ve clearly expressed your opinion — then it sounds like she is using this as a weapon of choice in her power struggle with you. That is disrespectful and she needs to realise this.

You say you don’t want an argument with her, so perhaps you need to approach this in a different way. Could you ask your husband to have a word instead? As you say, he is the common ground between you and your mother-in-law. His mother’s ways may be familiar to him, but, regardless of his opinions on Barbie dolls, he needs to acknowledge that there’s a wider problem here, one which is upsetting you. Sometimes, sitting on the fence won’t do. As your husband, he should have your back. So can you talk to him and ask if he’ll support you in this? Avoid overtly criticising his mother, which will only make him defensive, and instead focus on how this is making you feel. Perhaps if you show your mother-in-law that you and your husband are a united, strong team, she’ll back down.

But what strikes me most on reading your letter is that you may not be as different from your mother-in-law as you believe. While she may not label herself a feminist, you are both strong, opinionated, independent woman. She brought up your husband and he went on to choose you (and, of course, you chose him). So perhaps her influence — however irritating — won’t do your daughters any long term harm.

Do you agree with Hilary? What advice would you give? We’re keen to hear what readers think and will print some responses online. Contact Hilary with comments or with your problems via email at agony@thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QF