The old joke “Every time I come to shul, they always sing the same song – Kol Nidre” ignores the fact that synagogue attendance has altered immensely over recent decades, with even Yom Kippur failing to bring the whole community to prayer, while attitudes to synagogue membership, Jewish identity and cycle-of-life ceremonies are also changing.

It is true that some people still join shuls out of a sense of duty or for burial rights, but that does not apply to all. Many now obtain membership as a buy-in for particular benefits, such as a wedding or a religion school, but will leave once they have been achieved.

“After all,” they say, “why belong to a golf club if you no longer play golf?” Burial rights are less prized too. “Who knows where I’ll be in 50 years’ time? Here, another part of the country, abroad? I’ll sort it out nearer the time.”

This is partly the result of loosening ties to Jewish life and partly the influence of an economic attitude to life – paying for what you need only when you need it.

I do argue back that if others hadn’t supported shuls in previous decades, they wouldn’t be there for you when you need them. Jewish day schools have inadvertently contributed to the trend, with parents getting their child’s education, and even bar mitzvah, at them, with no need for shul membership.

Attitudes to Jewish status have also changed, with the plus side being that some synagogues welcome mixed-faith couples.

But the downside is that many of the non-Jewish partners see no need to convert to unify their family religiously.

It has also resulted in many of the (now adult) children regarding themselves as Jewish, even if they lack official Jewish status.

Although Progressive synagogues have simple processes to gain that internal passport, many feel self-identity is sufficient and so ignore them.

Cycle-of-life ceremonies have developed too. A wedding may involve the bride stamping on a glass too (I counsel against them both stamping on the same glass – a broken toe would be a bad start to the marriage).

Meanwhile, the seven circles she traditionally makes around the groom have morphed into her doing three, him doing the next three and them both doing a figure of eight around one other. Very egalitarian.

Even more dramatic has been the change in funerals. They have been democratised, with not only the rabbi speaking but relatives and friends allowed to add their own thoughts, while readings and poems special to the person are now often also included.

Flowers are now much more common. The Interflora line of “Say it with flowers” is spot on. Flowers can both beautify an event and articulate what we cannot express in words.

When music is present, it is no longer just mournful or liturgical, but reflects the deceased’s personal tastes. It can bring a smile of recognition when you recall them humming a particular tune or saying how it was “the song we first danced to”.

Still, mishaps can occur, as with the person who loved The Wizard of Oz, requested Over the Rainbow, but the wrong button was pressed and out came Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead. Or the Queen fan who wanted We are the Champions but instead got Another One Bites the Dust.

When there is a cremation, disposal of the ashes now varies hugely: buried, placed in the crematorium’s rose garden, scattered in a favourite spot or even divided among the family to keep.

Kol Nidre will still be sung every Yom Kippur, but Jewish life in between the High Holy days is not the same as before.

​Jonathan Romain is the convenor of the Reform Beit Din