It is hard to imagine a greater loss for a parent than the death of a child by suicide.
Rabbi Shalom Hammer’s family was “a normal, functional, contributing, respected family” before the suicide of his 18-year-old daughter, Gila, turned their world upside down.
Speaking via Zoom from his home in Israel, Rabbi Hammer says: “One reason our story resonates is because we were a respected family, and yet, we could suffer such a tragedy.”
The stigma around suicide in the Jewish community is, according to Rabbi Hammer, “no greater than in any other community. The stigma is widespread.”
Just days after Gila’s death, Rabbi Hammer began addressing crowds in synagogues about suicide and launched a charity, Gila’s Way to raise awareness and deliver courses in suicide prevention.
“Three days after we finished our shiva, I was out speaking. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but I put all of my efforts into being an activist and getting the word out in Gila’s memory. Doing this work helps me feel closer to her.”
His story of grief has reached thousands worldwide, from the US and UK to Australia and South Africa. He was recently in the UK, speaking to Jewish communities, including Hendon United Synagogue and Jewish Societies in Leeds, Manchester,Birmingham, Liverpool and London. “We will go anywhere to share our message,” he said.
Gila Hammer, who took her own life. Her father, Rabbi Shalom Hammer, is now raising awareness of suicide prevention through his charity Gila's Way (Photo: Rabbi Shalom Hammer)
In schools, Rabbi Hammer helps students ask questions to friends who might be showing signs of stress, such as: “What is troubling you?” or “How can I help?”
Rabbi Hammer explains: “The vast majority of people who die by suicide do not want to die; they want to live. When someone contemplates suicide, it’s often a brief, impulsive moment. If you can ground them and allow them to reconsider, you have a strong chance of saving them.”
While it still exists, the stigma around mental health and suicide in the community is diminishing, says the rabbi, who is a lecturer in Jewish identity.
“One hundred years ago, the rabbis were saying: ‘Bury someone who dies by suicide outside the cemetery.’ They did not have an understanding of mental health. I still have people who ask me about that, but with more mental health awareness, that kind of thing has stopped.”
Rabbi Hammer addressing an audience at Hendon United Synagogue (Photo: Gila's Way)
Although the attitudes around it may be shifting, suicide remains one of the leading causes of death among young people.
Jewish organisations have stepped up, driven by the urgent need for preventative care and postventive support – support offered to those who are affected by a suicide. Constructive ‘postvention’ support will have a positive impact on recovery, reducing the likelihood of those affected by the death of developing mental health problems or suicidal feelings themselves.
In the UK, the Jewish Association for Mental Illness (Jami), now part of Jewish Care, has long been a leader in mental health support.
John, who worked in the City for many years, found himself in a dark place. Through Jami, he found support that he credits with saving his life. “Jami listened to me, helped me and gave me hope for the future and my family,” he says.
John found life-saving support through Jami
Jami is now addressing the other end of the spectrum: What happens when schools face the unthinkable – a death from suicide in their community? Sadly this has been experienced at Jewish schools in recent years.
Philippa Carr, Jami’s senior mental health education and suicide prevention manager, explains that preparedness is crucial. Being prepared when a suicide happens can prevent future incidents, she says. “Postvention is also about prevention.”
The charity has launched new guidelines to support schools and families after a suspected suicide, produced by the Emergency Response Initiative Consortium (ERIC), which also includes Norwood, CST, JBCS (Jewish Bereavement Counselling Service), Grief Encounter and PaJeS.
Jami’s Coping After Suicide or Sudden Traumatic Death: A Guide for Schools and their Essential Checklist for Schools aims to enable staff to react efficiently to critical incidents and establish best practices.
They have also created a leaflet with tips on talking to young people after news of a suicide and where to signpost for relevant support.
Philippa Carr, Jami’s senior mental health education and suicide prevention manager, says that postvention - supporting those impacted by the death of someone by suicide - is an important part of suicide prevention (Photo: Jami)
Jami runs mental health first aid courses and, starting in September, they will offer twilight sessions for teaching staff to introduce them to the guides. They also hope to launch new suicide prevention courses for faith and community leaders.
Carr notes the fear that arises during mental health training when suicide is discussed. “People can be really anxious about making things worse. If someone tells you they are thinking about suicide, that’s because they want to talk. My advice is always to be present, to listen and respect.”
Like Rabbi Hammer, Carr is aware of the stigma surrounding suicide but adds: “All faith-led communities have grappled with suicide for thousands of years – it’s in the Bible.”
Through the efforts of Rabbi Hammer, Carr and their organisations, it is hoped that Jewish schools and communities will be better prepared to face and prevent the unthinkable.
If you or someone you know are affected by the subjects in this article, please get support by accessing help from the services listed below.
For immediate help, ring Samaritans on Freephone 116 123 (24 hours)
If you are under. 35 and having thoughts of suicide or are concerned for a young person who might be, you can contact PAPYRUS HOPELINE247 for confidential support and practical advice.
Call 0800 068 4141
Text 88247
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org
Stay Alive App created by Grassroots Suicide Prevention – download this app which provides practical support
If you need support or are supporting someone who needs help, click here or phone 020 8458 2223
If you are struggling to cope or need immediate help, contact Shout’s 24/7 crisis text service. Text Jami to 85258 for free, confidential support.
For information on Gila’s Way, click here
Support groups for people bereaved by suicide:
