When Ari Shainfeld was going through a divorce, he felt stressed and fearful.
His friend Billy Katz invited him to join a WhatsApp group for dads in north-west London whose marriages had also broken down, and he was initially reluctant, partly due to the stigma which he says is often attached to divorce.
But Shainfeld, who lives in Hendon, decided to take up the offer, and before he knew it, he “was hosting a Friday night dinner for 15 local dads who were all going through a divorce and needed the support and help of other people”.
The evening proved revelatory. “I found other people who felt like me, but we were all struggling with different things. Some men needed simple, practical advice with things like cooking; others needed support with working out access to children.”
At first, the dads’ group was just a place to support each other, share experiences or signpost people to services like mediators or help people navigate child support services.
But it quickly grew, and, together with Katz, Shainfeld went on to set up the charity Our Kids First.
Today, the organisation helps both men and woman navigate the often-turbulent ordeal of a separation, with children’s best interests always at its heart.
Despite it being a difficult time, Shainfeld and his ex-partner were determined that their separation should cause as little distress to their family as possible. “It is easy when you’re going through a divorce to get entangled in a bitter and angry dispute,” he says. “ [but] we knew we wanted to limit the upset caused to our family. Without the right support, that wouldn’t have been easy.”
They were determined that their separation should cause as little distress to their family as possible
The charity, which recently raised around £300,000 from a fundraising campaign, now helps men and women with everything from the get process to emotional and pastoral support, as well with as the more complicated legal issues, such as dividing up assets and childcare arrangements.
The charity also works alongside other community organisations like the Jewish Family Centre to support its clients.
Our Kids First co-founder Katz has gone from setting up a divorced dads’ WhatsApp group to becoming a divorce coach for the charity.
Our Kids First with the charity cheque from their recent fundraiser (Photo: Ari Shainfeld)
During his own divorce, he says he felt alone and isolated, with no one else to talk to. While women typically confide in their friends, he says that he didn’t have the same type of support network. “But then I found this group of men, and I was able to get support and advice.”
His own thinking and that of the charity is that a divorced family can still be a family, and Our Kids First is able to work with both parents as long as they are both willing.
“We will work with both parties. However, if one party doesn’t want to engage, we will work with the other party.
“Whoever we are supporting, we are supporting them to communicate better and to work towards any child arrangements and financial arrangements being child focused. In this way, they also save thousands by not having to go via the legal system.”
A divorced family can still be a family
Shainfeld is equally passionate about helping separated parents manage communication breakdowns and since co-founding Our Kids First, has retrained as a family mediator. “While divorce obviously isn’t something to celebrate, it is a reality, and it is happening in our community, whether we admit it or not. I want people to know that they can get to a place where they can be positive co-parents.”
Both Shainfeld’s and Katz’s own experiences of divorce and co-parenting have led to them to want to give their clients the tools to navigate these journeys more easily.
Says Shainfeld: “I have had people say to me that they have a better relationship with their partner following our help than they ever had when they were married.”
